Mirror Magazine - Regret no more

Let’s face it. Everyone, at some point in their lives, I’m sure, has had a regret about something. Maybe you were in a silly argument with your sibling about who gets the TV remote, and you said something you didn’t really mean to say. Or you were having one of those infamous couple fights with your other half, and an unnecessary detail from the past came out, and the situation got blown completely out of proportion. Probably the worst are the times you think back about what you didn’t do. Maybe it’s as simple as not completing your piano lessons and abandoning it halfway, or not spending time with a grandparent who’s now no more.

Whatever the regret, it’s just one of those things in life that are unalterable. But according to any psychological analysis or simple common sense, it’s also something you need to embrace and accept, and then use as something positive, to become a smarter person.

“No one can avoid making mistakes, and regrets are when you keep going back and thinking about these mistakes you made. There are still so many times when I think back to a certain incident or situation, and wish I had done something different. But after a while you realise that there’s no point regretting things. It’s a total waste of time,” says Durga (23). She also feels that everyone reaches a certain point when they’re emotionally mature enough to stop regretting things and move on. “You need to make a choice whether or not you’re going to deal with it positively or negatively.”

According to Samara (23), she feels that most things in life are beyond your control. “Being a Buddhist, I feel that half of what we do is according to karma in our lives, and the other half is up to us. But you should never regret anything you have done in the past, because, though it might have been the wrong choice, it was what you wanted to do at that moment.” Even she still has doubts about her line of education, but knows that it’s too late to turn back now, and she needs to make the best of it. “Also, this process helps you learn from them, and ensures that you don’t make the same mistake again, especially if it’s regarding something that has a big impact on your life, like a career option.”

Consistently, most people wish they could go back and change things. Whether it’s not listening to your mum’s advice, finishing university instead of taking up the job you were offered, or telling someone you love them before it’s too late, regrets are a reality. It’s all about dealing with it and turning it around to make the best of it. Easier said than done, you might think!

Speaking to Sameeha Jalaldeen, a psychologist dealing with young people, a positive perspective on regrets seems a possibility. “There are mild regrets, which you can deal with easily, and then there are deep regrets, which if thought about for a long period of time, could even lead to depression.” But according to her, regrets essentially, are the offspring of counterfactuals. Basically when something goes wrong, you could motivate yourself to think that an alternative situation could have been worse, or in retrospect, you could use that situation to improve your performance in later situations and even recognise other possibilities.”

Regrets, she says, could be benchmarks for reality. “You can understand the situation and take a different stand. So it’s all about how you rationalise it in the end. Dealing with regrets is all upto the individual. For instance, some adults deal with regrets such as divorce very badly, whereas kids sometimes can make up their mind about a tennis match that they lost, telling themselves that there will be another match soon, and so another opportunity.”

She feels that it’s always healthy to go back and think about situations and choices made. “It’s okay to rethink it, rather than to shut it out. You can learn and grow as a person that way. Also when it comes to things like education or careers, if you regret the choice you made, it’s never too late to change it.”