One and only

Ayesha Inoon looks at why more and more couples are opting to have just one child

Nilu and Mahesh, parents of a five-year-old boy, have decided that they will have only one child. They feel that their son will benefit from their undivided attention, and that they will be able to give him the best of resources rather than if they had more children.

Nilu, herself an only child, says that she never felt the lack of siblings when she was growing up. Her parents never ‘spoilt’ her, and having friends she was never lonely, she says, confident that her son can be raised in the same manner.

Many couples are now making the same choice for various reasons. Especially when both parents are working and living away from their extended families, raising even a single child can be complicated. Some couples say that when they are compelled to leave their only child at a daycare centre, it wouldn’t make sense to have another.

Also, with people getting married at a later age and putting off having children into their thirties, or even forties, having more children may not even be a viable option. A few women, who have been able to take time off from their careers to stay at home to raise their child during the early years, say that they do not feel it possible or necessary – to do it all over again.

Are these reasons really justified? Is it fair to a child to have to grow up without the companionship of brothers and sisters? To have to face later crises in life without the support of siblings, and to have to shoulder the burden of caring for aged parents, alone. Have the material comforts of life taken greater priority over the intangible values of family bonds?

While there are many who question the sensibility of the choice to have just one child, most of those who do, believe that an only child can be brought up just as happily as any other. They also argue that the stereotyped ideas about only children – that they're selfish, lonely, too dependent on their parents, or unable to interact appropriately with peers, are not necessarily true.

It’s all yours, no doubt

Pre-school teacher Shazmina Nizam says that it is the parenting style more than the number of siblings that influences how an only child – or any child for that matter – turns out. “You cannot simply label an only child as ‘spoilt’ or selfish, that depends on how they have been brought up.”

Experts agree that there may be several advantages to having an only child. These children will definitely benefit from the extra time and financial resources that their parents will be able to give them, they say. Studies show that not having had to deal with sibling rivalry, only children are often more confident and do not feel the need to prove themselves.“Compared to children with siblings, only children, especially when they are younger, are frequently calmer and self-assured,” says Ms. Nizam. She adds that contrary to the common belief that only children find it difficult to get along with their peers, they actually tend to try extra hard to make friends and be liked.

“I like being an only child,” says 18-year-old Damayanti. “I have many friends, and I like having the option of being by myself when I want to. I don’t think I’m spoilt. My parents never gave into all my demands. Actually, I think they were stricter, because they were so determined not to spoil me!”

Kavitha, whose ten-year-old daughter is an only child, says that often, by the time a person gets close to his or her siblings, it is usually much later in life. Due to the different personalities of each individual child, parents cannot help treating them differently. During the growing up years, she says, this is often mistaken for partial treatment towards a particular child. Both she and her husband had felt this insecurity while growing up, and therefore decided that they would have just one child. While she admits that there may be instances later on when her daughter might miss having a sibling, she does not believe in sacrificing the present for an unforeseeable future.

Still, there are many obvious disadvantages to being an only child. However determined parents may be not to spoil their child, nothing can substitute for the actual experience of sharing a home with siblings.

A Vice Principal of a girls’ school says, “In my experience, only children often lack the initiative to do things by themselves, since they are used to having things done for them. When there are many in a family, they learn to share naturally. Finances may be limited, but there is a spirit of caring and generosity.” She adds that only children also find it difficult to accept defeat. Having never had to give up or give in to anyone, their tolerance levels for failure are less, she says.

“When you have only one child, you naturally want to give him or her the best of everything, which is not always a good thing,” says Consultant Paediatrician Dr. Dilrukshi Ruberu. She recounts her own experience, where her eldest daughter was an only child for over nine years.

Although she excelled in her studies and was participating in several extra curricular activities, she became very stubborn and difficult to handle. Now that she has two siblings, she is far mellower, says Dr. Ruberu.

“Motherhood involves sacrifice,” she adds, “it seems that many women are not willing to make that sacrifice anymore.”

Fathima is the mother of an only son, but not by choice. Were she able to, she says, she would have had more children, since she feels very sorry for her son having to grow up by himself. “I had six sisters, and I know the value of siblings,” she says, “there are things you may not be able to tell your parents or your friends, but you can always tell a brother or a sister. My son is often lonely and bored; I feel that if he had a sibling he would be happier.”

However, it is increasingly apparent that the single-child family is here to stay. Careers, financial situations and other considerations have contributed towards this trend. Many couples say they are determined to maintain a comfortable standard of living both for themselves and their families, even if it means having just one child.

“Happy parents raise happy children,” says Ms. Nizam. Ultimately it is an individual choice about what works best for whom.