Mirror Magazine

Lies complicate life and degrade your personal value. Yet many have various excuses lined up for lying. Smriti Daniel takes a closer look.

The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves – they’re also the most pointless ones. After all, both the teller and the ‘tellee’ know it is a lie (though the latter might take a little time to cotton on), and yet we indulge ourselves. Obviously, Freud knew what he was talking about when it came to defence mechanisms and the existence of a determined sub-conscious self. (For the present we’ll just close the curtain on wandering wombs, Electras and Oedipuses).

The fact is, we lie because it offers us comfort, a temporary shelter from the storm, a trench to duck into – call it what you will. Like little children scared of monsters in the dark, we shudder and cringe away from the truth – hoping all the while that it will simply go away. But here’s the unpalatable thing – sooner or later reality is going to sneak up on you… and it’s not going to be a pleasant surprise.

While our lies are as varied as they are imaginative, there are a few that come to mind as being nearly universal – you have thought this at some point in your life. If you haven’t, rest assured you will.

Lie 1: What I do and what I choose, won’t make a difference
We use this one to justify turning our backs on all kinds of mayhem. Starvation, pollution, vanishing rainforests; war, murder, ragging, torture; crime, porn, abuse, exploitation… what does this have to do with me? I don’t make it! I’m not even there when it happens! So what if I don’t always find a garbage dump before I dispose the plastic bag? So what if I walked away when my friends were teasing this junior? So what?

The power of one – Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Jane Goodall, Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa, Malcom X… your mother, your best friend, your first mathematics teacher, the man who was driving the car that missed yours by an inch… This is one lie you cannot tell yourself. What you choose to do with your life, what you say, what you think, what you create – it all makes a difference. Not just to you, but to your family, your friends, your country, the world. You are powerful beyond your wildest dreams.

Lie 2: If only I could… I’d be perfectly happy with how I looked
Be thinner? Be taller? Be fairer? Have straighter hair? Look the way I did five years ago? Take your pick. Be honest with yourself, if you did by some miraculous means get this one thing, you’d soon find another to fret about. Always, always there will be someone you can compare yourself to and be found wanting. It’s a vicious cycle and one that you can simply step out of – once you stop lying to yourself.

Look at you, really look at yourself. Old or young, dark or fair, fat or thin – you’re you, and there isn’t another person in the whole world like you. Staying healthy is simply a part of loving yourself; starving your body into submission is not. In the end, the only person who can make you feel less than perfect is yourself.

Lie 3: What he/she doesn’t know can’t hurt him/her
Honesty is the stuff that makes a relationship. Lies simply destroy it. It’s as simple and as complicated as that. Even if you don’t get caught and life goes on, it’s not quite the same. Funny, how lying makes you think everyone else is. Live in a way you can be proud of. If you can’t be open about something, the chances are your value system is telling you ‘this is wrong.’ If you know something is wrong, it’s going to leak out and taint your relationship, your life and your self-image. If you’re lying to your parents every night, if you’re cheating on your partner, if you’re lying to get through every class – it’s all going to catch up with you. The day you look into the face of someone you love, and see only suspicion and distrust… well, let’s just not get there.

Lie 4: I can’t help the way I am, and anyway, it’s your fault!
This one’s a lie that undermines your power to control your life. Not only are you giving up responsibility, you’re also giving up choice. Left to the mercy of fate, destiny, luck and of course all the other people who know what they want – you’re roadkill. There’s always this moment, between the action and your reaction, where you can (and should) choose. Be it at work, at home or school, the idea that someone else has the power to pull you down and keep you there is false. Draw the line, take responsibility, and get back behind the wheel. Your life is your own, it always was, and it always will be.

Lie 5: I just couldn’t say ‘no’
Lie 5 is a close relative of Lie 4. In both cases, you’ve been caught red-handed doing the Pontius Pilate thing (washing your hands off). The truth is that you could have, in fact, said no. It’s just hard to say it when you know that that’s not what the other person wants to hear. Figure out your real reasons for not wanting to say it – for instance, maybe you’re scared of disapproval or anger. Once you’ve stopped lying to yourself, you’re bound to be able to drum up the courage to utter the dreaded (yet liberating) little syllable. Practice with me – ‘N’ –‘O’!

Lie 6: I can protect myself from pain/ I don’t need anybody
Simon and Garfunkle have this song that goes, “I am a rock, I am an island.” Now my dad assures me that in the days when he was young, foolish and picking fights with my mother, this was his theme song. Sad, I know, but unfortunately, it happens to the best of us. We think that if only we’re a little more careful with our hearts this time around, if only we take out insurance and save every extra penny, we can somehow guarantee being happy in the not so near future.

Caught up in protecting ourselves from a hostile world, we turn our back on the beauty of the present. We sacrifice our spontaneity and trust so that we can be ‘safe’. How boring. Especially when you consider that you might get run over by a bus tomorrow. When it comes to relationships in particular, denying that you need emotional support (someone to make you laugh or just to hang out with on a Sunday evening), may feel like independence, but it’s often a lie that protects us from revealing vulnerability. Ironically, nothing will make you friends faster than being vulnerable

Lie 7: I’m unworthy, unlovable
Sometimes when people hurt us, we find it easier to believe that it is our fault. In our desperation to gain some control over love, avoiding pain and feeling safe, we try to convince ourselves that we are in fact responsible somehow. If mother was angry, we felt safer believing we caused it, because if we caused it, then we could find out how to behave differently to control it. Therefore, we accepted the lie that we caused it, because we were somehow bad, wrong, inadequate, unworthy, unlovable, unimportant, not enough…

Lie 8: I can quit anytime
Cigarettes, the toxic boyfriend, The cycle of debt, lazing around... Telling yourself you have a bad habit, but that you could always drop it, is downright cunning. You somehow think that by admitting what you’re hooked on isn’t good for you, you’re somehow on top of things, somehow still in control. Really on top of it all? Prove it: Quit.

Lie 9: If I had time I’d write a book/exercise more/write a symphony/take part in a marathon
Sure you’re busy, but then so is the rest of the world. Is your ‘lack of time’ just a handy excuse for not doing the things you really want to do – but deep down are scared of failing at? Or maybe you can’t admit that you really don’t want to do something anymore because you think letting go of an old goal is the same thing as failing. People change, enjoy how you’ve grown.

In the end, it helps to ask yourself this question: If I knew I was going to die in one year, what would I change about my life? While going to live at Unawatuna all year around may not be a viable option, there are sure to be things that you really want to do with your life. Do them. Even if you believe in re-incarnation, this just may be the only chance you’ll get.