Mirror Magazine - Trying to get along

Whatever condition your relationship with your siblings is in, the fact is they make a huge difference to your life. Sparkling and strong, or rotting and ready for a ride on the garbage truck – they are one of the biggest weights on your happiness scale. Do your relationships anchor you or weigh you down? What is it that you really want from, say your sister? And was it a really good idea to tell your brother the truth about that night? Read on, as the Mirror Magazine gives you the dirt on how to keep a relationship with your sibling going, even when the carburettor is clogged.

A sibling is forever

It’s hard to really hate someone until you share the same genes. Apart from a few fairytale families (read virtually non-existent), the rest of the world knows that simply getting along with their siblings will be the greatest challenge they will ever face, second only to saving the planet.

They follow you around, imitate you, tattle on you, say sarcastic things at the breakfast table and know your bad side better than anyone else. Your sibling becomes the enemy in the war for more personal space, attention, treats and T.V time. Naturally there are going to be a few problems, especially as they’re the only ones who still remember that you used to love Britney Spears.

But unpalatable or not, here’s the deal: You Gotta Live With Them. Instead of condemning yourself to a life of more or less continuous acrimony, get pro-active, turn your sibling into a friend you’ll cherish for life.

War of the siblings:

Problem: You’re always fighting and arguing and you’re sick of it.

Solution: Try to look beyond the obvious. For instance, if your sibling keeps calling you names, it’s obviously because he/she wants something. What could it be? Attention? Entertainment? Connection? Surely, you can think of a better way to give them that. Just don’t retaliate in anger. That will only trigger a vicious cycle that might have your sibling abusing you and you abusing back… for the rest of your lives. Instead, look for a compromise.

Try not to think in terms of winning and losing, instead look for the middle path…there has simply got to be a point on which you can compromise. The idea is to find some genuine middle ground that will allow you to both co-exist (without too much unnecessary bloodshed) under the same roof.

Common sense dictates that you find a calm, private moment to have your talk. Bringing up your problems in the middle of a full-fledged fight, with your sibling’s girlfriend as a witness is a bad, bad idea.

Perhaps if you both loved ice cream as kids, simply taking your sibling out for a quiet cone might set the mood.

Once you’re talking, try to identify the flash points in your relationship and see if there’s a way you can both avoid or overcome them.

This takes real effort on both parts. As sibling we’re too used to the other person to really try very hard. After all, they see the monster in your everyday.

Cut down entirely on humiliating or degrading language, talk to your sibling with the honesty and respect you’d give a close friend and you stand a great chance of recovering this relationship.

If this doesn’t seem to work, you might have to call your parents in and have a family meeting to work out a solution.

The green eyed monster

Problem: In two words: Sibling Rivalry. Everything they do seems bigger, better, shinier and more rewarding. From looks and relationships to exam results, you can’t help feeling second best.

Solution: You don’t get a gold for winning this race – being in a family should not be a competitive event. Your roles – both in your family and outside – are entirely different; and like ambul bananas and rambutangs cannot be compared. So what if your brother was made prefect or your sister topped English class again? There have to be places where you excel – perhaps you know exactly what happens after Cypher says, ‘Buckle up Dorothy, coz Kansas is going bye-bye’ or perhaps your recipe for cheese cake is unbelievable. So even if it appears as if they are getting more attention, you’ll have centre stage soon enough. It all levels out in the end. If you think it will help, talk to your parents. Ask them why they love you. You’ll find that you have a special place in their lives that cannot and will not ever be filled by someone else. At the same time, identify things you’re good at, and build on it. This can only boost your self-esteem, which is often what causes the green-eyed monster to arise in the first place.

Problem: You’ve got your act together, but your siblings obviously messed up. It might be problems with drink, drugs or depression, abusive friends or partners or even trouble at school. Whatever it is, you’re bound to want to rush to the rescue.

Solution: This is the time when a lot of patience comes in real handy.

You need to be mature enough to realise that your sibling must choose to accept your help. You can’t force them to give up cigarettes, for example, or leave a boyfriend because he’s bad news. If they don’t want it, you can’t force your advice or your support on them. That will only aggravate the whole situation. What you can do, however, is let them know you’re concerned, and be ready to offer all the help and support they need when they feel ready to tackle the issue at stake. You may not get a positive response immediately, but at least they’ll know that they can turn to you when the time feels right to shape up their life.

Why you love them anyway

The fact is that at the end of the day, when you’re pushing 80 and looking around for your dentures, your siblings are still going to be driving you mad. By then however, you will hopefully be old and wise, and know that not getting along all the time has little to do with loving each other.

Your relationship with your siblings might well have the longest duration of any relationship in your life. (Horrors!) And so they share with you a lifetime worth of memories and stories. When you’re old for instance, your sibling might be the only one who remembers that weird jig your dad used to do, or the way your mum simply loved raw chillies.

This shared history is priceless and is sure to only become more valuable as you age. Your sibling is an important part of your family unit – the place where you came from, where you learnt all those indispensable little tricks (like walking and talking), and where ultimately, you find your sturdiest shelter.

In the final tally, while friendships come and go, sibling relationships are permanent – literally until death do us part.