5th Column

"Thaaththa," Bindu Udagedera asked, "what do you think of the World Cup?"
"Why," Bindu's father Percy asked, "is there anything else that this country has thought of in the past few weeks?"
"But thaaththa," Bindu protested, "considering the progress we made in the tournament, we cannot blame people for being pre-occupied with cricket..."

"That may be so, Bindu," Percy said, "but don't forget that we have been world champions before..."
"But that was eleven years ago, thaaththa..." Bindu argued, "and that seems such a long time ago..."
"I was not thinking of that..." Percy said.
"What are we world champions in, other than cricket, thaaththa?" Bindu wanted to know.

"Why, Bindu, I thought we were world champions in many things other than cricket..." Percy declared.
"I thought we weren't world champions in anything other than cricket..." Bindu protested.
"Not so long ago," Percy recalled, "we were such a lovely country that we were world champions in suicides and I don't think that included the various suicide bombings that took place here either..."
"But thaaththa," Bindu argued, "that is not something to be proud of..."

"Well," Percy said, "then I think we must also be world champions in the number of public holidays we enjoy every year..."
"I am not sure whether we could be proud of that either..." Bindu retorted.
"Then," Percy said, "I think we must be undoubtedly world champions in the number of ministers we have..."
"That may be so," Bindu agreed, "but is there anything else that we are champions in?"
"I think we are also world champions in democracy..." Percy proposed.

"How can you say that, thaaththa?" Bindu was surprised, "I thought everyone was complaining of human rights violations in our country..."
"But there is another way of looking at it, Bindu..." Percy suggested.
"What is that, thaaththa?" Bindu wanted to know.
"Look at how vibrant our democracy is. Some members from the main opposition party are working to strengthen the government; then, at the same time members from the government are working to strengthen the opposition," Percy observed.

"That does make us sound like world champions in democracy," Bindu conceded, "but doesn't it look as if those members from the government who were supporting the opposition would have a change of heart soon?"
"Now," Percy pointed out, "that is another field where we are world champions in..."
"What is that, thaaththa?" Bindu queried.

"Why, surely we must be world champions in political cross-overs and double crosses..." Percy declared.
"Surely, that must be all, thaaththa" Bindu said.
"Of course not," Percy said, "we also have the world's champion terrorist organisation..."
"How could you say that, thaaththa?" Bindu wondered.
"Why, they are the only terrorist group that has its own aircraft, so they must surely be champions in their own sport of terror..." Percy declared.

"Then" Bindu said, "you're forgetting another world champion amongst us..."
"Who is that?" Percy inquired.
"Why, thaaththa, the Green Man is also a world champion..." Bindu said.
"How is he a world champion, Bindu?" Percy wanted to know.
"Why, surely he must be a champion in being able to hang on to his job, even though he has absolutely no results to show after eleven years of leading the Opposition..." Bindu declared.

"But I am not sure he would be a world champion in that, Bindu," Percy said, "after all, he was in office for two years not so long ago..."
"Don't worry, thaaththa," Bindu assured, "he will still be leading the Opposition at the time of the next World Cup..."
Percy knew he couldn't disagree with that.

World champs like no other in all facets