It’s a tough job but rewarding

When Shehana’s* husband left on a visit to Canada, leaving her with their one-year-old son she had no idea that he would not return. Today, after nine years of being a single-parent, she has long given up any thoughts of a reunion.“It hasn’t been an easy road,” says Shehana, a Market Analyst, “There were a lot of tough times and 18-hour-days – it wasn’t easy to shoulder the financial burden alone. But inner strength and maintaining a positive attitude have helped me through it. My son is a happy, well-adjusted child, I have no regrets.”

Parenting is a tough job no matter how you look at it, and going it alone can only make it that much harder. When you don’t have a supportive partner to share the day-to-day responsibilities of raising children, it can take a physical and emotional toll on you.

“I think being a single-parent actually saved me from myself,” says Kumaran*, who went through a difficult divorce and took over the care of his daughter when she was three. “Sometimes you feel depressed and lonely, and just want to run away or get drunk – but you can’t do that because of your child, and this dependency gives a reason to be alive and continue functioning. I just had to be a better person than I wanted to be.”

How and why you become a single parent can also make a big difference. Some become single parents due to an emotionally traumatic event, such as separation, divorce, or the death of a spouse. Still others must tackle it alone because of their spouses being employed overseas. In each case the psychosocial environment that the parent and child is placed in would be different – yet, many face similar challenges and obstacles.

A child in a loving single-parent home who gets enough attention, discipline and respect has every chance of growing up to be happy and stable. “Parental influence does play a big part in shaping the personality of the child,” says Santushi Amarasuriya, psychologist and lecturer, Faculty of Medicine, University of Colombo. “But it is the quality of parenting that counts more than quantity – and this can be provided despite the absence of a parent.”

She explains that while a child’s personal attributes are affected by the environment, it is possible to create a positive and nurturing environment in a single-parent home.

Rashmi, the single mother of a 12-year-old, feels that the extra responsibilities and closeness between them have made her daughter a more mature person. "We talk about everything, and she helps a lot with the household chores. She's very understanding, if I am going through a bad time at work or something. Yes, I would say she is my best friend." At the same time, Rashmi also feels that her daughter is a lonely child. "I feel that she doesn't relate to others of her age very well. I'm not sure if this is because she is more mature and has had more to handle for her age than many others. I just hope it will benefit her in the long run."

Many single-parents tend to treat their children as friends or confidants. In the absence of a partner, they may entrust their children with responsibilities beyond their age or turn to them for companionship or support.

“Parenting is like a learned skill - something you learn as you go along – and it’s nice to have a companion, someone to consult when making decisions,” says Ms. Amarasuriya, adding that in a single-parent household such roles which are usually played by the parents may unknowingly fall on the children. While in some cases this may help them mature, she adds that it should not take away from their childhood experiences, which would help them to become well-adjusted and emotionally healthy individuals.

All children learn from role models, who are usually their parents. There are certain different aspects that children benefit from in their fathers and mothers. Single-parents can make use of the wider social network to provide substitute role models for their children, says Ms. Amarasuriya, such as family members and friends – particularly if the other parent is not alive or not in touch with them. At the same time, she cautions that these persons should be those that the children are comfortable with and can relate to. They shouldn’t be those who in the child’s mind pose a threat to themselves or to the relationship with their parent.

“Both my sons are very close to my brother,” says Jameela*, who lost her husband when they were little. “He has been like a father to them, and they know they can go to him for help and advice. It also helped me to know that they had him to turn to, in case they felt they couldn’t relate to me in any situation.”

Children find security in routines. Having someone pick them up from school at the same time each day, doing certain things at home and spending a definite amount of time with each parent, all contribute to their sense of safety and well-being. Single-parents need to maintain this in spite of their own busy schedules.

“I gave up running a company and became a consultant – I told my customers I would only meet them between nine in the morning and three in the afternoon,” says Kumaran. “This way I could spend the evenings with my daughter. I also made sure she visited her mother regularly.”

It is important to maintain consistency in the children’s lives, says Ms. Amarasuriya, even with issues such as how and when they get to visit the other parent, if their parents are divorced. While it is not necessary to have rigid timings and schedules so as to make it seem unnatural, knowing that they have definite routines in their lives will give them a certain confidence and not leave them constantly uncertain about what to expect.

“I’m quite firm with my son, and try not to get overly emotional about anything in front of him – I feel that it’s important for me to be in control since his father isn’t there,” says Shehana.

Soon after her divorce, says Rashmi, not just she, but her entire family – parents, brothers and sisters – showered her daughter with attention. "They would give her anything she wanted. No one bothered to discipline her," she says, adding that she soon realised that if this continued, her daughter would become thoroughly spoilt, and decided to become more firm in handling her.

Another possible pitfall for single parents is an unwillingness to set firm limits. They may feel guilty that the child is not growing up in a two-parent family, and find themselves being more indulgent than necessary. This is certainly not required or sensible, says Ms. Amarasuriya, stressing the need again for consistency when executing discipline. In the case of parents being separated or divorced, there should not be a different set of rules with each parent, since consistency is required for children to be able to internalise their sense of right and wrong. Nor should parents go to the other extreme of being too strict to the extent of unfairness. Children should always feel free to discuss anything with their parents.

Parents shouldn’t make their bad experiences their children’s bad experiences, particularly in the case of divorce, says Ms. Amarasuriya. They should make it clear that divorce is not a universal truth, but situational, and take care not to blame or express their anger towards the other parent, to the child. “I think that most single parents play power games with their partners and use the child as a weapon,” says Kumaran, adding that he tried his best not to do this. He made it clear that his daughter could talk about her mother, express her affection for her, and see her whenever she wished, as long as it did not involve him.

Above all, these parents must understand that they are just one person, with limitations, and must appreciate and take care of themselves, stressed Ms. Amarasuriya. They can use moral and practical support from family and friends and make sure they have enough time for themselves as well. Single parenting is no easy task, but when your children grow to be healthy and happy individuals, the challenges and hard-times are all worthwhile.