Gender gap

By Sonnet

Research carried out by the University of Genderbridge has shown that, what were known as males and females of the human species are in fact two entirely different species. Scientists believe that this discovery will revolutionise gender studies and help answer many unresolved questions while giving rise to more new ones. As Dr. Rumpletiltskin the leader of the research team put it, "…the discovery was shocking, but it did not come as a surprise. We are delighted that we could prove conclusively what many have suspected for years, thus putting an end to the argument."

Scientists point out that interspecies mating is not new to science. Previous studies have documented a breed of 'all female' fish mating with males from a different species to produce genetically identical siblings. Yet this has never been suspected in the case of humans. "This is a marvellous example of the power of emotions, social needs and the amazing thing we call love, since they are the forces that have brought two vastly different species together (and not only the urge to reproduce like in the animal world)" Dr. Rumpletiltskin added.

When asked about the scientific names he would give these two species, he said that his team is still undecided about it. "We will have to keep calling them 'men' and 'women' at least for the time being. We are not so sure of the possibility that they could be in the same sub species, so we will name them as soon as we find out," he said.

Dr. Getafics of the University of Gaul in Comix, who was in-charge of planning the research program disclosed that 10,000 male and 100 female volunteers had been tested and the had tests lasted for three months. "The fewer women were far more complex, dangerous and expensive to handle than all the men put together, and this gave us the first clues about their differences," Dr. Gatafics said. When asked about the imbalanced numbers he explained that they had to reduce the number of women being tested due to the dangers and the cost involved. "But we had to take in more men than initially planned in our efforts to find more diversity among them." Yet despite their numbers, men had amazingly similar behavioural patterns and even the few emotions they had were quite simple. "The women were so unique and their language was so convoluted that it is fair to say that they are the least understood species ever studied in the history of biological science," he said reluctantly. Men appeared to have very few desires and almost all of them concerned women or food; often both.

Language and communication related tests were carried out by Prof. Higgins of Mifeyalade research centre who pointed out that the study of language and communication methods shattered all doubts and provided conclusive proof that they were indeed two very different species. He also points out that while a man would use the word “yes” simply to convey a positive meaning, a woman using the same word (i.e. 'yes') could mean either “yes”, “no” or “maybe” according to her mood or just in random order. "The scientific method or rational thinking bore no relevance to women so we had to re-structure our tests to gather the data we needed" he explained.

Hot competition had broken out among the men during the experiment to win over the other species as there were hundred men for every woman. Prof. Nancy Drew who was employed by the researchers to spy on the participants says that "Some desperate men even resorted to wearing dark glasses, baggy pants and pimp shoes and literally stalked women blindly wherever they went. She also said that "The men who won over the women soon had to due to the high maintenance cost of women." The long hours that the women spent at shopping malls never failed to annoy the men, and even the women who claimed that men were simple creatures, failed to fathom why men would stick their eyes to the TV's whenever they saw one man throwing an odd shaped ball at another man," she said, referring to sports.

The behavioural, emotional and social differences between them has provided more convincing proof that they were two different species than their biological differences. Dr. George Porgy, the Dean of the Biology department of the University of Nersaririmes pointed out that biologically they are very much similar, but that does not mean that they should be classified as one species. We share more than 98% of our genes with chimpanzees, but we know that they were no more human than we are primates (even though the word “human” does not carry any meaning, now).

In reply to a question raised by journalists, Dr. Rumpletiltskin said that there are reasons to believe that the females of men became extinct about one and a half million years ago due to the ignorance of the males, and the males of the women committed mass suicide about three million years ago after all their efforts failed, to support the females financially. As the scientific community and the people of the world waits impatiently until he gives the two species their new scientific names, Dr. Rumpltiltskin says "It is rather impossible to decide what to call ourselves."