Don’t let that green-eyed monster gobble you up

From time immemorial, it has been an emotion generated without rhyme or reason. It is an emotion about which poets and writers have written reams, the best example being the launch of a thousand ships, when the ancient Greeks, goaded by the jealous fury of Menelaus went in their numbers to bring back his beautiful wife, Helen, who had been spirited away, albeit willingly, by the young and handsome Paris of Troy.

Even the mighty, mythical gods and goddesses of Olympus could not be free of this all-consuming emotion, depicted as the “green-eyed monster”. And monster it is, for once it gets possession, it creates havoc all round, leaving relationships in shambles, homes destroyed and families torn apart. It has been the substance of many a drama, with William Shakespeare’s Othello being a classic example.

Earlier, a jealous spouse would look for tell-tale signs, sometimes imagined, such as an unfamiliar hair bauble in the car, a lipstick mark on a shirt or a whiff of an exotic cologne. Now modern technology has fuelled more virulent attacks of jealousy. Yes, with the mobile phone and also technology such as caller line identification (CLI), many people, at the butt end of such jealousy, have been forced into a living hell.

“There is no known cause of jealousy,” says Dr. Raveen Hanwella, Consultant Psychiatrist attached to the National Hospital in Colombo, “and all jealousies are not pathological, but once it crosses a certain boundary it becomes a mental illness.” ‘Morbid jealousy’ or ‘Othello Syndrome’, however, The Sunday Times learns, is a mental illness, for which one needs to seek treatment.

Interestingly, dispelling popular myth, surveys around the world indicate that more men are prone to jealousy than women. The spouse of a person suffering from morbid jealousy or even jealousy for that matter leads a miserable life, says Dr. Hanwella, who is also a Senior Lecturer at the Medical Faculty of the Colombo University. “There would be many calls a day on the mobile to check where the person is, letters would be opened and the contents read, not only numbers stored but also all received and dialled calls on mobiles and even land lines, through the CLI, screened on suspicion of infidelity,” he points out.

Does loving someone extend to the point of absolute control?

Jealousy comes in various degrees, with some spouses restricting the movements of the partner and confining the partner to the home. They get the spouse to cut off all links with others, be it family or friends, with the persuasive argument, ‘I provide you everything……food, clothing etc so why do you need outside interaction? And in most instances, the victim sees reason in such argument, giving the excuse, ‘He behaves like this because he loves me very much and provides for me’, says Dr. Hanwella.

Jealousy also breeds possessiveness, which according to Dr. Hanwella, can often be seen in places such as universities. Once “hitched” in young parlance, The Sunday Times understands, the couple will sit together at lectures, eat together and go about together. “They cut out, most probably on the insistence of one partner, their social activity, beyond the couple itself,” he says, giving an example of such a partner, later on, who works in a different place, demanding that the spouse stop working and stay home on suspicion that she would run away with someone else.

These are danger signs, he warns, advising young people who are hoping to marry such a person not to do so. Get out while you can and before you actually sign on the dotted line. Some have this belief that they can change such a spouse once the wedding is over and life begins together. It would turn out to be a pipe dream. In many such marriages, there is intimidation, violence and also threats of suicide to keep the partner in the unhappy relationship. “You are getting into a gilded cage.”

Another misconception is that one must keep the marriage going “because of the children”, The Sunday Times understands. “But research has shown that children brought up in a stable environment with one parent would be better off than those in a violent home with both parents,” says Dr. Hanwella. “For any relationship to work, the vital ingredients must be freedom, independence and trust.”

Most people diagnosed with morbid jealousy are not willing to swallow medicine, assuming that it is a normal emotion. Those who even seek a doctor’s help would do so under pressure. What psychiatrists in fact treat in morbid jealousy are the underlying causes such as depression, schizophrenia and alcoholism.

Technology, which makes keeping track of movements easy, has increased the tendency towards jealousy, especially among young couples. Though no surveys have been done, we see an increasing trend, says Dr. Hanwella, calling it just the tip of the iceberg. And only an informed guess can be made what life will be, with the advent of video phones.