Mum’s the word

There are, we must concede, many good things to be said for motherhood. But there are undoubtedly times of great strain, times in which Hallmark moments vanish under an avalanche of dirty diapers, screaming children, squabbling siblings, reluctant young athletes, weepy young Kandyan dancers and amateur gourmands who – despite all your effort – will insist that the amberella is not properly cooked… just before they shove it off the table and onto the floor.

It’s little wonder then, that mothers tend to be irreplaceable in our lives – who else would put up with you? And fraught though this relationship can become, it's more than worth your while to work on it, Santushi Amarasuriya, Lecturer in Behavioural Sciences, Faculty of Medicine, Colombo, tells The Mirror Magazine.

"A mother plays several roles," says Santushi, explaining that as the first human being that the child comes into contact with and becomes dependent on, mothers play an important role in their children's lives. "Having a special day like Mother's Day helps to recognise and celebrate the multifaceted and tremendous role that the mother plays in a child's life," says Santushi, adding, "but it is also important to use this day to reflect on and remind ourselves that the celebration of the role that a mother plays should not be limited to just one day but celebrated the whole year through." It is important to remember that this relationship is a two-way process, she stresses, and while mothers are constantly trying to figure out the wonders of ‘Facebook,’ it would do us children some good to reciprocate the effort.

Fact: Kids grow up. "The child moves from total dependence to less dependence and moves towards independence," says Santushi. She explains that these shifts reflect a child's attempts to establish a unique identity. It is obvious that the things that help shape this identity today are very different from the forces our parents were exposed to – the result are conversations that would be good models for mankind's first interaction with a sentient alien life form, minus any diplomacy.

The point is that you may feel like you are coming from two different places, but that shouldn't stop you from attempting to "establish open communication," says Santushi. Children "should not attempt to shut off all communications with their mother because they 'think' their parent would never be able to understand them… but children need to remember that the mother's advice (particularly when in conflict with the child's opinions) is based on the mother's own prior knowledge, experience and what she 'believes' is best for the child."

Growing together then, has to become about recognising that love guides our actions and that staying open, honest and respectful will help us face together all the crises that our lives throw at us.

Now that the good intentions have been established on both sides, all that remains is the actual negotiations themselves. Helping the other party see your perspective takes time and patience, and finding a solution that works for everyone requires even more patience and innovation – but it is, at least in theory, always possible. "This may not be always easy and you need to cultivate good communication skills, being both a good listener as well as being able to present your point of view sensibly and rationally without becoming emotionally charged," says Santushi, she adds that even in cases where the entire family cannot come to an agreement, even something as simple as understanding what the other person feels, regardless of whether you agree or not, can help smooth over an issue. The bonus often comes when both parties gain more insight into the situation.

Take constructive steps to address your mother's concerns. If she's worried about you coming home late, say you'll make sure a friend drops you, or that you won't drink and drive. "Children also need to help their mothers to build trust in them by demonstrating their honesty and ability to take responsibility.

This will reassure their mother that their children are capable of taking care of themselves and ensuring their own safety, making it easier for the mother to give more space and freedom. But this trust is something children need to keep building on and should never be taken for granted," said Santushi.

Comparing motherhood to on the job training, Santushi says that we need to remember that our parents are also figuring out stuff as they go along. That should help you drum up a little forgiveness and also a little gratitude, because, after all, this is not a job.

What your mother does for you is done out of love, and so the occasional verbal 'thank you' – to indicate that "her dedication and commitment towards you is being appreciated and acknowledged," will never go amiss, says Santushi. And last but not least, it's surprisingly hard to see our parents as people, who have lives and concerns apart from us.

They might even (horrors!) need space, or not want to be in charge for the day. Days like Mother's Day, give you the excuse you might need to pamper and connect with your mum. Don't hesitate to take it.