My dear Ban ki-Moon,
I thought I must write to you when I heard that you had decided to appoint a panel of ‘experts’ to advise you on what should be done about the ‘situation’ in our lovely paradise island. Although not totally unexpected, I must say I was a bit surprised at the timing of your decision, Moon.
Being the Secretary General of the UN and having to keep tabs on nearly two hundred countries must be quite a difficult task, Moon. So I am not sure whether you are aware of what the ‘situation’ really is in our little country.
In fact, Moon, although we do have the odd protest march and tear gas attack-which is good for democracy anyway-our ‘situation’ is quite pleasant now. We no longer have to worry about when and where the next bomb will explode because we have rooted out terrorism after thirty long years.
It is true, Moon, that in doing so there may have been a few excesses here and there but as the Americans in Iraq or the Israelis in Palestine will tell you, that is all part and parcel of war. And, unlike the Americans or the Israelis, we have finished this war now without dilly-dallying over it for too long.
And, Moon, a lot of people find it strange that you want to appoint this panel now, when the war finally ended. What they can’t understand is what you and the UN were doing when the Tigers were murdering innocent civilians for the past thirty years; where were your ‘experts’ then?
Also, Moon, ours is not the only hot spot in the world. The Americans have messed up in style in Iraq and Afghanistan for instance, and a bomb explosion is as sure as the sunrise in Pakistan-but you don’t seem to think that ‘experts’ are needed for these trouble spots!
Then Moon, what will you ‘experts’ do? Surely they have no jurisdiction over our paradise isle, so they cannot take any binding decisions. All that they can do is issue a statement and we can easily imagine what that statement would be like: condemning everyone here, ironically for eliminating terrorism!
It is no secret that sleeping Tiger cubs are still lying low in many parts of the world, lamenting the demise of their parent body which nurtured them. Surely, Moon, you know that the actions of your ‘experts’ can only give them renewed hope that their cause is not dead after all-is this what you really want?
Then, it does seem to be a strange co-incidence that your decision to appoint a panel of ‘experts’ should come in the middle of an election campaign in our paradise isle. Wouldn’t that amount to interfering with the affairs of a sovereign country, Moon?
Yes Moon, despite the end of the war we do have problems that need to be ironed out. We had an election a few weeks ago that ended in confusion. The man who led the war effort is now behind bars. These are all issues that need to be addressed but I can’t see how your ‘experts’ can be of help in that.
Many people believe there is a conspiracy behind all this, Moon. They say all of you have conspired to tarnish Mahinda maama’s name just in time for the elections so that he won’t get the mandate he is asking for. What do you have to say about that, Moon?
However, I do have a different conspiracy theory, Moon. I think all this is that ‘Panchayudha’ chap’s work. I am almost convinced he is getting you to do all this so that he can criticize you, become a local hero and get a massive vote at the elections! And what would you say to that theory, Moon?
Anyway, Moon, whatever it is I think you are overstepping your mark. We all know that the Navi Pillays and the John Holmes of this world do not have the interests of our paradise at heart and now it seems you too are of the same breed. So, we may need to ban you from our shores, so that we can be over the moon!
Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS-Then I am told of a third conspiracy theory-that you too are seeking re-election shortly and this ‘expert’ panel is part of that strategy. Well, if what is bothering you is winning your own election, we have enough ‘experts’ on that subject here. Shall we send Dayananda over to you and I’m sure he will take care of that, as he always does! |
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