(A Parody) The scene: Geneva, Switzerland

When the United States joined this Council two years ago, we set forth four values that would guide our work in this body: to pursue our national interests, to use available instruments in the Council to do so, to undermine our enemies and protect our friends.

We knew then, as we know now, that the irrelevant dialogue and ineffectual processes of this Council will help us maintain our supremacy in the world and thereby help all of our nations on the path to international peace and security on our terms. And hey, now that we're in, we plan to make things go our way.

In the two years since then, we have stayed true to those values. But our global challenges remain-among them, threats to freedoms of assembly, association, expression and religion in selected trouble spots around the world and to vulnerable populations as decided by us. As we seek a second term on the Council, the United States stands ready to build on the Council's successes to pursue solutions to these pressing challenges.

Last week in Tunisia, we partnered with the Friends of Syria's Opposition in a unified commitment to help end the suffering of our friends among the Syrian people. We joined Council members this week to condemn the Asad regime's ongoing brutal crackdown as this would help advance our agenda there.

Recent efforts on Syria are not the first time the Council has provided an important platform for action (remember Libya?). Last year, this Council created a special rapporteur to monitor the human rights situation in Iran. Never mind what happens in Iraq and Afghanistan! Special Rapporteur Shaheed has conducted his work in a spirit of openness and dialogue. His important work must continue, and I encourage the Council to continue his mandate.

Tomorrow, Iranians will go to the polls for the first time since the 2009 disputed election - Since then, the regime's repression and persecution of all who stand up for their universal human rights has only intensified. The United States stands with religious and political leaders around the world (unless they happen to be Muslim clerics) in condemning the conviction of Youcef Nadarkhani and calling for his immediate release. For the moment, let us forget anything that went on at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay.

We know from experience that there can be no lasting peace without reconciliation and accountability, but the United States is concerned that, in Sri Lanka, time is slipping away. Let us forget the 30 years of violence that slipped away earlier, which we very nearly managed to perpetuate by means of a ceasefire that would have allowed the world's most ruthless terror outfit to tear the country apart for ANOTHER 30 years.

The international community (which of course means us in the West) has waited nearly three years for action, and while we welcome the release of the LLRC report, the recommendations of the report should be implemented. We have engaged Sri Lanka bilaterally on these issues since the conflict ended in 2009, so as to have a handle on the state, and stand ready to continue to browbeat it. Action now in this Council will sow the seeds of a situation that will allow us to continue our meddling in Sri Lanka for years to come.

The United States has worked through this Council to assist countries in suitably vulnerable situations of transition, with their human rights challenges. We have supported human rights protection and promotion in Kyrgyzstan, Guinea, Haiti and Cote d' Ívoire, among others. Of course we prefer not to talk about our record in Afghanistan, Pakistan or Iraq. The numbers of civilian casualties would be too mind-boggling.

All the same in our UPR presentation, we addressed our own incomplete journey toward universal human rights, and we admire those countries that speak about their shortcomings as well as their strengths. We stand ready to help countries on a selective basis, depending on how useful they are to us and ready to address their human rights challenges. During this session we hope to reach an agreement to step up our interference in Yemen and Libya. With the support of this Council, as directed by us, these countries can consolidate their new hopelessly unstable but pro-western governments so that we can trumpet to the world that we brought them democracy and that they have become new beacons of leadership and human rights.

As states increase pressure on rights and freedoms online, the United States must reiterate that the universal freedoms of expression, assembly and association are as applicable on the Internet and mobile technologies as they are to traditional modes of expression. We are concerned that some states are using new technologies to block content and suppress political dissent, and we encourage states to fulfil their human rights commitments and obligations in the context of new technologies. But we beg to differ in the case of Julian Assange, whom we will hunt down and bring to book regardless of anything we just said in this para.

The Council has done a great deal to focus on pressing human rights situations but there are still challenges to address. The United States was disappointed that the Human Rights Council review process did not address the unfair singling out of one country for a permanent agenda item. Don't forget that we are still smarting from the findings of the Goldstone report, and the acceptance of Palestine as a full member of UNESCO. The Council will improve its credibility when it bows to our dictates, eliminates Item seven and addresses all states under a common rubric - meaning, based on OUR priorities in the Middle East.

Lastly, the United States remains gravely concerned about recent violence and continuing tensions in Tibetan areas of China. We won't comment on Kashmir because we believe we now have India on board. But China remains a thorn in our side, what with its growing influence in the Indian Ocean and all. So in our usual selective way we call on all governments, including China, to respect the fundamental freedoms of religion and expression of all of its citizens including members of ethnic minorities. Disgruntled ethnic minorities do come in handy in pursuing our goals.

Human rights have universal application as determined by us. All governments, excepting ours, must respect the human rights of individuals, protect the ability of individuals to exercise their rights, and create mechanisms for transparent and accountable governance, as decided by us. As we participate in this session and seek a second term on the Council, the United States will continue to exploit differences and undermine consensus with all members. We believe that with our involvement the Council continues to make a significant impact on the world, to serve our strategic interests and advance our agendas, and we look forward to being a part of its ongoing progress. Thank you.