An incident was reported in Horana recently where a 14-year-old girl tried to commit suicide because she couldn’t bear the constant fights and violent altercations between her parents. Luckily her life was saved but it raised the question of what serious and long-term damage such conflicts in the home have on children?
 Parental fights are common in many Sri Lankan families and often children are the innocent victims. But Dr. N. Kumaranayake, Psychiatrist at the Base Hospital, Kiribathgoda, says parents should not fight in front of children.
“Children exposed to a high level of conflict may even become anti-social personalities but what is even worse is that the future family lives of these children may also be affected. It is like a circle; when they grow up and become parents, they may display the same kind of behaviour as their parents,” Dr. Kumaranayake said.
It is important to look for reasons why parents lose control when there are domestic problems. Situational stress resulting in emotional changes, the inability to control one’s emotions and alcoholism are the main reasons why the majority of adults in the modern world tend to solve disputes using violence,” said Dr. Kumaranayake.
Such situations are very common among the rural community of Sri Lanka which is about 80% of the total population while 33% of these families have to deal with alcoholism. But with today’s hectic lifestyles, depression too has become a factor in ruining family life.
Dr. Kumaranayake related the case of a father of two who had been a workaholic, spending less and less time with the family. Due to work stress he had developed conditions like depression, sleep deprivation, irritability and was prone to fits of extreme anger which led to frequent fights with his wife.
As a result of alcoholism too, people can develop physiological conditions like delusional disorders such as extreme suspicion of one’s partner says Dr. Kumaranayake. Of course such accusations lead to fights.
Commenting on the impact of parental fighting on children, Dr. Kumaranayake said that there is a significant impact on the brain of a child. Children react to this kind of situation in many ways, he explains.
Often, children respond to parental conflict by ‘acting out’ which is a demonstration of increased anger and the inability to manage anger. These children may display behaviours such as violence, delinquency and gang involvement.
One such child brought to Dr. Kumaranayake was a boy of 14 who showed poor academic performance, was stealing from home and was also addicted to marijuana. The reason behind his disturbing behaviour was again an alcoholic father creating parental conflicts.
‘Turning inward’ is another way of responding to parental conflicts. Children often isolate themselves from their friends, from social activities and may be prone to depression, headaches, stomach aches, ulcers etc. and substance abuse.
A study by psychiatrist Martin Teicher has showed that children who are exposed to parental conflict do not interact well with others. Such children often have very poor social skills, low self esteem and poor relationships when they become adults. The effects of being exposed to conflict show up as problems in school - truancy, impaired thinking (problem-solving, abstract reasoning, memory are affected) and symptoms that mimic Attention Deficit Disorder.
Parents should practise proper control of emotions and problems should be dealt with in a more civilized manner. Getting the help of a professional counsellor to resolve their problems is advised.
It is important to reserve a special ‘emotional ventilation time’ where family members including children can talk about the problems and issues in their family life in order to facilitate the building of a good and trusting relationship between family members, said Dr. Kumaranayake.
Awareness programmes should be carried out for children and teachers at school to acknowledge the effects of parental conflicts. Importantly, teachers should be trained in dealing with children who are exposed to conflicts and to identify students with emotional disorders. |
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