A view from the hills

Dial-a-defamation

By Carl Muller

In the UK, the sore-pressed can Dial-a-Prayer and lighten their hearts. Here, you can Dial-a-Defamation. A plantation boss who called a number - got an earful in a tone that matched the barrage of vituperatives he listened to in mounting rage. He checked his card, dialled again. Same nasty tone, same nasty words. A recording, surely, but why? Let me begin at the beginning. This planter put down Rs. 11,000 for a cellular that was new and handy and fighting for space in the teeth of lots of competition. The company even gave him a card listing numbers he could use whenever he had need to complain. Thoughtfully, one number was boxed. "That's a functioning number," he was told, "the others are sleeping numbers. Anytime you have a problem, call us on the number we have boxed for you."

Well, he did have problems. Seems that with this mail strike and all, lines are pretty much overloaded. He just couldn't get through to anyone he wished to contact. He decided to check with the company. The whole of Sri Lanka couldn't be busy when he isn't. He checked his card. Yes. He called and listened spellbound. A rude, lewd voice simply roared in succulent Sinhala: "Your gluteus maximus! Whose do you want? (That's a near-enough translation, thank God) and went on to threaten dire things to the female members of his family. In a trance, as if he had just been visited by some divine phallus, he cut the call and shook his head. There had to be some mistake. He dialled again and got the same hellish message. He told a friend to dial, and the friend, who was made of sterner stuff, mouthed horribly and roared back his displeasure. Mind you, three calls he would surely have to pay for. He marched off to complain and was met by many "well I nevers" and looks of pained disbelief.

"Somebody here has an answering tape!" he thundered. He was told, "Oh no, that can never be," in fifty different sharps and flats. He was also told that the number was not right. It was part of their policy to strike through their sevens, Continental style. He must treat the sevens like ones. Then who's on----- 77? Nobody, he is told. It's a sleeping number.

"Sleeping my foot!" he snaps, "it's very much awake and slandering customers! Is this what I get for taking a phone from you for 11,000?" Lots of "there, there's" and "nobody has ever made this sort of complaint before", and our planter decided to chuck the whole boiling and go for something safer (like a telegram that goes by post, if that is possible today). But watch out folks, and steer clear of ----77 because there's an infernal machine that likes to make many personal observations on your largest muscle and expresses other intentions quite vile and beyond the scope of St. Valentine's Day!

Information gathering

The Intelligence Bureau of the Kandy Police are preparing an information-gathering exercise in the Matale District. For starters, a large map of the district is now being prepared in which every Grama Niladhari Division is being marked in as well as principal and minor roads. All very hush-hush, of course, so that's as much as I can tell you.

Cut trees - Save the forests!

Speaking of pinus reminds me that the Estate Forest and Water Resources Project - a GTZ-funded project attached to the Ministry of Plantation Industries - has commenced operations, headquartered at 2nd Lane, below Hotel Topaz. The EFWRP is committed to take an analytical look at the plantation areas where many excellent timber trees are grown as crop cover, windbelts and for fuelwood.

Director, Mr. Mohns, said that there is a vast quantity of good timber within plantations and that estate forests could supply all the timber necessary for the country's fast-growing woodworking industries. "Actually," he said, "proper management of forests means that we can actually harvest trees for commercial use. In fact, the real care of forests means cutting of trees - in the same way as animals herds are culled before they grow too unwieldly and destroy each other. Forest management is also closely allied with water resources, and our work is to ensure that both trees and water provide the proper balance for a sound plantation economy."

The EFWRP will bring out a monthly newsletter from April this year.

More Plus *  Tampoe: an angry May Day

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