Does the past haunt you?

By Laila Nasry and Ruhanie Perera

A new relationship. He or she happens to be the one you've been dreaming of all your life. Everything seems to be just perfect but suddenly your partner wants to know about all those before him or her, in short, all your previous relationships. Would you agree to tell all or would you feel it's an invasion of your privacy. Would it be, 'how dare he or she ask' or 'I'm glad he or she asked'? Find out.

Sanya de Silva, (23) (name changed):

Maybe not every single detail but sharing your past with your partner is important. If he is your soulmate- your partner for life you should be able to share your life completely and he should not misunderstand about things you've done in the past. Why I say not every single detail, is because sometimes when you think back the stuff you did and said can be so dumb. Besides not telling all would retain that sense of mystery.

Of course, I will ask my partner about his past and yes, I would be jealous if he had had some previous relationship. I don't think I would like it if he was reluctant to tell me because to have complete trust you've got to know what happened in the past. After all, if you are the present person in his life and the most important one at that, then he should be prepared to share his past with you. I don't mind being asked about my past. I believe it's the total experience of the past that makes you what you are today, so I don't see anything wrong in sharing the experiences of the process of growing up.

Viranthi Gunewardene, (28):

The details of your past are not important. It was in the past, it's over and forgotten. So I don't think it's important or necessary for one partner to ask the other of their past relationships. I'm not that curious and I hope my partner won't be too. To me, the past does not matter in any way. If my partner is feeling uncomfortable then I don't mind telling him of my past. But not all the details. Who he was, why you split up, questions like that I don't mind answering- you know just the basic details would be alright with me. Anyway it's over, finished . And it's important that your present partner forgets about it and does not dwell on it.

Dinuki, (25):

Even though I consider each new relationship as a new leaf in life, I still think it's important to at least give the person you are involved with at present, a brief detailing about your past relationships. I'm pretty sure he or she would want to hear the nitty gritty details - like for example, what you did together or where you went out for dinner. So I don't think you need to go to such great lengths to explain! Just make the other person aware, that's all.

And I don't think you need to tell every single person you go out with - especially if it's just a fling. That type is definitely not interested. Making the other person aware of past relationships matters only if you plan to settle down with that person - if you sort of envision a future together. Sometimes people may want to know details for petty reasons - like to hit back at you some time later. I would want to know about my partner's past, even if the truth hurts. That way I'll know what I'm in for.

Niranjala, (26) (name changed):

Past relationships don't matter! All that matters is the present and the future you're going to share with a person. I think this 'baring your soul' thing is sometimes totally blown out of proportion. Sometimes you just want to keep some things to yourself, especially if you consider them as mistakes. I hope my partner does not expect me to share my past relationships with him. I would never expect it of him. And there are times when certain things are left unsaid, because they can do more harm than help.

Dilan, (20):

I think it's very important that you tell your partner everything about your past - and that includes past relationships. Your partner needs to know everything about you, for if you are in a serious relationship you need to share these things. I'm not saying that not telling will break a relationship or that when you do, you should describe every little detail. You just need to make the other person aware, it's really no big deal. I would make the person I'm going out with aware of my past relationships and I would expect her to do the same.

Gihan, (name changed):

Honesty is the best policy. I think you should always be honest with the person you are in a relationship with. I feel it's important because in a relationship you need to share things - even things you might consider unpleasant. Because sometimes the past has this way of showing up when you least expect it and it can cause problems in your present. So it's best that both people in a relationship are ready for it - just in case.

Samitha Karunaratne, (27):

To have mutual understanding, it is necessary that in a relationship each partner knows of the other's past. I think it's best that you tell your partner. After all, if you are going to share the rest of your life with that person, it's alright to reveal and share the details of what the past was like. However I would not ask my partner about her past. For me it's not going to be of any importance. I'm only interested with the present. That is the time she is spending with me currently. In my opinion that is all that matters.

Marriage: maintain the 'open spaces'

"What makes a sound marriage?" asked Anoja curiously. It is difficult I thought to come up with an exact definition, for each marriage is unique, each partner is an individual with different thoughts and expectations. But I think for a sound marriage both husband and wife should face reality and develop a mature independence.

The wife you marry is not moulded in the image of your mother, neither is the husband to be regarded as a father figure. Sure enough in certain instances a wife may be like a mother, comforting her husband when things go wrong or in moments of crisis, a husband may act like a father when hard decisions have to be made, but while a certain dependency exists, yet in a marriage, one must realize that each partner is an individual.

Neither husband nor wife should try to live in each other's pockets. There must be as Gibran said 'open spaces' in your life together. To be in love does not necessarily mean to think alike on all subjects. Perhaps, a husband can relax best by taking part in active sports while his wife might prefer reading a book. Neither should try to force the other to accept only the other's way of thinking.

In a marriage, I told Anoja, there has to be a lot of give and take, that is why I think that one has to have a mature independence. Generally 'self' is the most important feature in our lives, but for a marriage to work, self must be submerged - "It is not what I want that should be important but what we want." It is a difficult journey one starts on when one gets married, for it is so very difficult to think of 'us' when we are so used to thinking of "me and mine". Yet it is a worthwhile journey, for once the hectic overtones of sexual desire have abated, the words 'I love you' get translated to 'I need you', and that is the relationship that must exist in a marriage, bonding two independent individuals together.

How I found my Valentine

You don't have to be a wise guy to say life is never what you expect it to be. Especially when it comes to love.

After all Romeo never expected to meet and fall in love with Juliet, at a feast to which he agreed to go only with the intention of ravishing the beauty of the chaste Rosalind. Not even in her wildest dreams would Jane Eyre have dreamt, that one day she'd meet the man she'd eventually marry, when he fell from his horse at her feet.

And me!!! I am no Juliet! I am no Jane Eyre. An exceptionally simple, twenty-year-old like me, who is a bookworm to the very core of my being, who'd ever think I'd fall in love with a burly ranger from the hills?

Like Mr. Rochester, he never fell from a horse at my feet, and I never got the chance to help him to his feet. We never bumped into each other while I was carrying a load of heavy books from the library. He never rescued me from a burning fire and the lift never got stuck when only the two of us were in it. In fact, when we first met, my mind was all consumed with a burning passion an unrequited love, for a bespectacled teacher, to notice much of him. Besides he most definitely was not my type. How often had I faithfully recorded in my diary that the man I marry should be thin, tall and hairy, that he should have read more books than me, should argue with me about the deepest points in philosophy, and should break into poetic rapture when we were alone on a moonlit night, sitting together in front of a wood fire?

He was not my type and I noticed little of him on that first meeting, an year ago. And to him, though nineteen I was just a kid, still cutting my teeth. Things would have been the same, I would not have taken another look at this strong mountaineer, who'd never heard of Wordsworth, who despised city life and who seemed arrogant, aggressive and ruthless, if not for a small blue flower, which lay on my path, as we climbed the Knuckles Range, last weekend. What made me pluck the flower, go in search of him and give it to him remains a mystery. Was it the cold mountain air that numbed all my powers of reasoning? Was it the delicate softness of the flower, which somehow seemed to contrast with his rugged features and detached ways? I do not know.

But from that moment when I stood by his side, silently offering the flower to him, things changed between us. But not dramtically like in novels; for instead of looking into my eyes and whispering sweet nothings in my ear, he looked puzzled and without a word stuffed it into his pocket. Back in Colombo, two days after Valentine's Day, I received a bulky envelope. His answer to my little blue flower was two pressed red roses!

That's my story. That's how a scraggy girl, whose one hobby is reading, who hates life out of doors, who wanted one day to marry a professor, fell in love with a man twice as big as her, who never read anything if he could help it and who instead of arguing over the "psychology of superstition" with his academic friends (as I dreamt my dream man would do) grows roses in his garden.

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