• Don't follow in your parents' footsteps
• Burning end to school prank
• APPRECIATIONS
• Wheel of life
• Winning a different battle
• Foul and funky
• Going underground with rhyme
• Wild flowers for Avurudu
• Kala Korner By Dee Cee
• Once upon a time, there was a man called Hans Andersen...
• Pamunuwa: big business in bits 'n' pieces
• Letters to the editor

Don't follow in your parents' footsteps

By Ruhanie Perera

"Things had got out of control and I wanted to figure out what had gone wrong in our relationship," she says. That is what led her to the 'parenting course' conducted by Priya Kodippily. "Times have changed and the parenting methods used by my parents didn't work, but what I was doing wasn't quite working either. I felt that this course would give me the guidance I needed." A new concept in Sri Lanka, the course is designed to guide parents through the unpredictable, roller-coaster ride that is parenthood. A counsellor by profession, Priya Kodippily took the initiative of setting up the course because she felt there was need for guidance on the subject. In her line of work she has come across many children who have been labelled 'problem' children, but "no child is a 'problem'," she stresses. "Many of the problems emanate from the environment they are in, be it home or school."

The response for the course was positive, so much so that she's just concluding her third course, lasting just over a month, with classes held once a week. The numbers per class are small for she feels that it encourages a kind of closeness that is very healthy for the group. Also, a small group ensures confidentiality and that, according to Mrs. Kodippily, is very important, as most of the issues discussed during the programme can be rather personal. "But," she adds, "many of the issues considered personal are almost always common to the whole group."

Since the classes are now held in the evenings, they have attracted many working mothers and more importantly, fathers. Some couples come together, but there are others on their own. What's more, parents don't really need to be going through a major crisis to participate. "The only real criterion to be a part of the course is that you have to be willing to come."

Participants, like Anushka, who had heard about the course, were curious and more than 'willing' to come. "I really felt I could learn something. My children are rather young and I'm scared about the future, but being a part of this course has prepared me," she says. "The classes are always very informal, beginning with an introductory session which is devoted to getting to know each other, finding their reasons for coming and what they want from the course," says Mrs. Kodippily who is always open to suggestions from the group. Subjects that come up for discussion cover peer pressure, stress, drugs, alcohol, sex, sexuality, violence, etc.

"What I stress is that parenting today is not what it was for the previous generation. Children have to deal with more issues today and so do their parents. We discuss the difficulties they face, while trying to make them comfortable with breaking away from their own parents' methods, if necessary. This being an area in which we have little training, it's natural that parents feel unsure sometimes, but as long as they remain flexible and able to adapt to different situations, things shouldn't be too complicated. It is of utmost importance that a parent realizes the need to approach each child as a unique person."

Other than that, more specific issues are also taken up for discussion. For example, since more often than not, the father is forgotten in the parenting process, discussions on where exactly the 'father' fits into parenting have helped Suresh*. Not having played a very significant role in the actual 'parenting' process during his first marriage, Suresh had been eager to do better in his second. "Sometimes what you think is right is not always so. This course has sort of put me on the right path," he says.

Having gone through the course he feels that he is much more patient with his children. "I think I was rather domineering earlier on. There was no communication whatsoever; I wanted everything my way. Now I'm more willing to listen and my children respond better."

Examining his experiences Gihan recounts some of the important lessons he has learned. "Learning to respect our son and be in touch with his feelings was my first and most important lesson ," he says. 

As Mrs. Kodippily put it, what he has learned is the art of "talking so that his child listens and listening so that his child talks". He had preferred to relate to his son as a friend. "Now I realize how much more important it is to be a 'father'." Though this may seem a positive approach, Mrs. Kodippily warns that one must be careful to draw the line. "A parent must keep that stance at all times and that's difficult if they identify with you as a playmate or friend." Roshni's* situation was slightly more different. With her three daughters she felt that she was in over her head. "There was quite an age gap between the first two and the last one and she is a lot more expressive than the rest of us. These were the contributing factors to the problem. She felt I neglected her and did just about anything to get my attention. Now I've learned to handle her. It wasn't easy to change especially since I was rather set in my ways. My whole world collapsed the day my child brought home something that didn't belong to her and I accused her of stealing. Now I've grasped the all-important lesson of separating the child as a person from his/her behaviour - to make them aware that it was their behaviour that was wrong, but not branding them. Always let them know you love the person they are."

Many of the problems don't vanish overnight, but those who have been a part of the course feel they have become a better parent; one who can accept problems and is not afraid to think differently. More importantly that he/she is not alone. Says Gihan, "Even after the course is over we keep in touch because we've sort of formed a support group just by sharing problems and helping each other to get through our difficulties. We've found somebody to lean on." (Names have been changed on request)

Burning end to school prank

By Hiranthi Fernando

"We wanted to go inside the lab to get seats in front for the science class, like we usually do," said Nirosha, who is warded at the Kurunegala Hospital with severe burns on the left side of her face around her eye. "Some boys from our class were already in the lab and prevented the door being opened. We spoke to them through the window and asked them to open the door. As we entered, one boy flung the acid at us from a beaker."

In the split second before the acid was thrown at them, Nirosha says she heard one boy shout, "Don't throw, it is acid". However, it was either too late or the other boy allegedly did not heed the warning. The next moment, she felt a sharp burning sensation on her face and her eye. "It was like boiling water going into my eye," Nirosha recalled with a shudder. The girls were taken to the Wariyapola hospital. When we saw Nirosha on Wednesday, she was due to undergo surgery that afternoon.

Subashini's injuries are more severe. She was transferred to the Burns Unit of the Colombo National Hospital last Monday as she had severe burns on the entire right side of her face. Her right eye looks small and the eyelid is not fully open. Recalling the incident, she said that the acid was first flung at their faces. What remained in the beaker was flung again, spattering their hands and legs. Some schoolmates took them to a tap and washed them. At the Wariyapola hospital, they were again washed with about two bottles of water. Thereafter, they were transferred to the Kurunegala Hospital.. 

"The doctors who examined my eye said it would be alright," Subashini said. "My head and forehead hurt when I touch them and the forehead feels as hard as rock." The acid had burned Subashini's forehead, head, nose and also gone into her mouth. 

Dr. Aruna Wijewardena, Registrar at the Burns Unit, said Subashini's eyelid needed surgery. He explained that if allowed to heal by itself, the eyelid would shrink. She would then not be able to close her eye, resulting in loss of moisture, which was a threat to the eyeball itself. 

"Throwing acid is one of the worst criminal offences as it could ruin a life," Dr. Wijewardane commented. In acid burns, he said, the scarring is usually permanent. If the burns had been washed for a long time in water immediately after, it would have reduced their intensity. "Teachers handling hazardous substances such as acids should be aware of the first aid necessary," he added.

Dr. Chandani Perera, Head of the Burns Unit of the National Hospital says cases of acid burns are fairly common in Sri Lanka. Acid is most often thrown on the face, and affects the face, eyes and hands. "People usually survive but the scars are very disfiguring. Acid can also cause severe deformity and blindness," she said. 

According to Dr. Perera, acid throwing incidents often have a complex emotional component. "The commonest cause is adultery, or love triangles. The psychology behind it is to make the person suffer but not to kill. A person who has suffered an emotional pain wants the other person to suffer. People who indulge in acid throwing however, often do not realise that it can cause renal failure, which can lead to death," she said.

All accounts in this instance, however, point to the incident being a childish prank that had grave consequences. It seems incredible that a lab containing hazardous substances should be left unlocked with children having free access to it. 

The two injured girls, who are related to each other, come from humble homes in Hartapola. Nirosha and her two younger brothers are cared for by their grandmother, Dingiriamma. Dingiriamma's husband earns an uncertain living through casual labour. This incident is an added burden on the old couple. "Nirosha has been in hospital for nine days now," said Dingiriamma who travels to Kurunegala three times a day with meals for her grand-daughter.

Subashini lives next door with her mother and grand-parents. The two families are struggling to come to terms with the misfortune that has befallen the two young girls. Meanwhile, the Officer in Charge (OIC) at the Wariya-pola Police Station said the two boys were arrested and given police bail. They will be char-ged with causing simple or grievous hurt, depending on the medical reports. The OIC said the suspects did not seem to have had intent to cause harm. The families of the victims are also not keen to pursue the case.

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