By Norm(an) De Plume
Why do we have to be 'nice' to people? By 'nice', I of course refer to the social niceties that we are expected to conform to. 'Niceness' it appears, has overcome honesty and forthrightness. So sad.
Reminds me of the time that we went to watch Gladiator at the Liberty Cinema. Well, we were all there on time, barring my friend Chunky B who characteristically, was late. We waited outside for sometime (and also missed the battle scene) and finally decided to go in. But of course, we had to leave Chunky's ticket outside with a security officer, so that she may come in if she ever did turn up. So my friend Big Nose proceeds to describe her to the officer in what I thought were accurate terms - 'well, she's rather short, a wee bit on the fat side, wild curly hair....'. Whilst I was nodding approvingly at the succinct description I noticed that another of our friends, Nuttie, looking on aghast (and also giving Big Nose dirty looks). As we mentioned later, we could have well described Chunky as tall, fair, slim with straight hair and all, but she wouldn't have gotten her ticket then! Just goes to show that social niceties will defeat common sense on such practical issues as descriptions.
Think about it. While politeness is a desirable thing, what if no one decided to be frank for a change? Nobody would ever know what their flaws are. (Okay, maybe its extremist, but surely you see my point?) Another of my friends, Square Fingers, tells me that she always tries to tell people that they are not fat, and their pimples aren't too noticeable and so on. No doubt she has saved many egos, but my approach is different. If I see something wrong with a friend, I usually say it out loud. My argument is; better my friend hears it from a friend (me) than from someone else, or worse, have it talked about behind their backs. Sure, sometimes it can be awkward, and perhaps the friendship might become uncomfortable, but I tell myself that I am being a good friend in my own unusual style. Perhaps it is this lack of 'social-sense' that makes what children say so illuminating at times, take for example the tale of the Emperor's new Clothes. My bro is known to have done something along the same lines. Once a rather portly friend of my father's had come over to lunch while Malli was still a tot, and Malli had just gaped at him and said, "you're really fat!"
Since he had said this minutes before lunch, my mother tells me that most of her cooking went to waste that day.
What about the obvious things people say, especially in Sinhala? You meet someone at the boutique, and they go, "ah, kade awada?" Often do I fight the urge to say, 'no, I'm taking a shower'. But I suppose it's just a conversation-starter of sorts, so it's okay. Sometimes this politeness thing only works one-way. Especially when you are dealing with older people. For instance, a friend of mine tells me how each time she goes to a wedding in the family, the older female relatives tell her that she's going to be next.
She has spoken of her desire to return the compliment at a funeral, but having a good sense of reality, she doesn't.
Now, I am by no means advocating free-for-all speech, obviously there are some restraints to be followed. Plus, sensitivity to people's feelings and the like is very much desirable. But just maybe we should try and disregard some of the lesser norms, in certain circumstances. For what ought to be said, I think, should be said. At least amongst friends.
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