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'I'm
stuck on you....' "What's with this whole mama's boy issue," says Damien*. "Mothers and sons tend to have a close, even special relationship - just like fathers and daughters. I am very close to my mother although there was a time when I didn't quite appreciate her excessive attention. As a teenager, I was rather embarrassed because my mother would go everywhere with me; she'd take me to school, even for my classes. As I got older, going out became an issue as well and as a result I was teased a lot and found myself at the butt end of many a joke. But now I know it was just her way of showing how much she cared and I am grateful for that. As a parent she had to make a lot of sacrifices, which I can't ignore or gloss over - it's now my turn to give back." At present Damien is not married but he confirms that marriage won't change his relationship with his mother. "Of course she is not going to interfere, but naturally she would want to be (and I would like her to be) very much a part of my life." While a good relationship with any parent, in this particular case a mother, is not just healthy but also a bonus, given the unsteady parent-child relationships today, it can't be ignored that problems do arise in the instance where those infamous apron strings are well and truly tied for life. Counsellor Mrs. I. Abeysekera explains that in normal parent-child relationships, the child goes from complete dependence to independence and later on from a state of independence, they grow into one of inter-dependence. It is because of these stages of transition that you find that most children initially go through the phase of having problems with their parents but later on grow to respect and even understand them. Says Mrs. Abeysekera, "It's in the first period of transition that both parents and children, be it mothers and sons, fathers and daughters, mothers and daughters or fathers and sons, have difficulties. Once you are independent you realize that you can't live alone and naturally you need other people in your life, but at the same time you have now learnt to take responsibility for your life. However, if children have difficulty in asserting their independence earlier on in their lives, later on there will be problems in the period of inter-dependency. Quite often much of this problem of 'letting go' has a lot to do with the parent's experiences during his childhood." Says Mrs. C. de Livera, from her personal experience, "I threw my son into the deep end and made sure he learnt to swim. The last thing I wanted was for him to end up a 'mama's boy', which, I feel is the bane of a woman's life." In her opinion, mama's boys are made because of "selfish mothers who cling onto their children". "Under normal circumstances a mother would put the interest of her child first and teach them to be independent, rather than have their children cling to them." "My mother-in-law never allowed us to have a life of our own. There was always this person we had to consult, more often contend with, on absolutely any issue, be it major decisions in our lives or even something as small as deciding where to eat from. If we went to the junction we had to go on the road specified by her." According to her, what is sad is that such children listen and are often guilty about having any happiness outside their relationship with their mother. Such mothers and sons are to be pitied because neither can find true happiness outside that bond. "I feel," she says, that the responsibility lies with the mother because she makes her son feel obliged to pander to her wants and needs for the rest of his life; so that the son in turn feels that it's his duty to do this. There is also a distinct sense of guilt and the son is made to feel he is not doing his 'duty'." "If you look deep into the situation, almost always the mother has had some problem with her husband and instead of making a life for herself, she clings onto the sons and expects them to fill that gap." Her problems thankfully, haven't affected Mrs. de Livera's life. The reason for this: "I had a wise mother who always told me not to squeeze my mother-in-law's neck, as I wanted to, but rather to try to understand her - after all she too was a mother, unfortunately she just couldn't bring herself to let go." Says Mrs. Abeysekera, "Both parents and children have problems when it comes to letting go. Parents can approach it by gradually letting go. Even if it's something like letting your child decide for himself what he wants to wear - that in fact is a good way to start. Make a conscious effort to let them take responsibility for their lives. Sometimes it is the child who is afraid to let go; they don't know what to expect of life, so they cling on to the life they are familiar with. In this case, it is up to the parents to prepare the child for the future and encourage them to go out and lead their own lives, like a mother eagle gives her chick the little push that will make him the lord of the sky. Most often what holds a parent back is the fact that they don't want to see their child make mistakes. Sometimes, difficult though it may be, it's best to leave them to live their life and learn from a method of trial and error." "I don't
think I was ever a mama's boy...hmm....no, never," says Randev*
after giving the matter some thought. "I was closer to my mother,
as you would find in most relationships between mother and son.
Having left home sometime ago, I don't even call her as much as
I used to." She is, however, his closest confidante and he
describes their relationship as "a mix of respect, love and
friendship" - adding, "I tease her a lot." While at home, though it was my mother I used to talk to regarding most issues. I just couldn't talk to my father about some things, besides not having had a sister (or too many female friends at the time) my mother provided me with a much-needed female perspective. Since I've been on my own I don't go to her with everything and now I think she is more dependent on me for advice than I am on her. When I left home Amma had no problems with it - well if she did she didn't show it. On the contrary, I feel it was harder on my father who took time to get used to the idea. I had no qualms about leaving home since I valued my independence!" "Just as much as there are some really mature guys around, there are some who have this distinct problem of not being able to completely break away from their mother," says Shehari. "In fact, despite how old they may be, they think it's quite natural to look to their mothers for both emotional and material needs. These men should not get married because they are only going to make the life of whoever they marry really miserable." "Thankfully," she says "I have no firsthand experience of this but I have quite a few friends who are in relationships with such men, whom I am desperately trying to save. Some of them have actually married mama's boys and find themselves expected to indulge them, which is what they have been used to all their life. Not to mention the fact that they are eternally compared to 'mother' who seems to acquire a sort of sainthood along the way." "It's quite scary," she says, "So I've decided that if I do get married I'm going to keep my eyes and ears open and if I'm expected to bring tea to 'his highness' or iron shirts for him....I'll run miles away from him!" Mothers, says Mrs Abeysekera, may try to hold onto their sons by taking an attitude of self-sacrifice. A common emotional threat is the 'I have done all this for you, what have you done for us'. This could build up as a sense of guilt within the son, even if he does something as natural as talking to a girl. "You find
in some situations where the mother and son are very close that
the mother has either lost a husband or is married to a man who
is not very supportive of her and in this instance the son is expected
to take on the father's role. That bond is difficult to break, especially
since the son continues to give that same support after he has moved
on to another relationship. In the Sri Lankan, even South Asian
context, we easterners have a system of an extended family and rarely
move away from the nucleus, so going back to the family is easier.
However both the mother and the adult son must take responsibility
for this situation and with a little bit of awareness things can
be different." Once there is
some awareness that there is a problem, a counsellor can help. All
it takes is a conscious and gradual effort at letting go. It's when
you let go that love comes back - you can't hold onto love by clinging
on to it." |
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Copyright © 2001 Wijeya Newspapers
Ltd. All rights reserved. |
hearing
that phrase, would smile a little nostalgic smile accompanied with
a knowing nod, remember their own mothers and maybe even dwell on
that, oh so special bond between mother and son. 
