Love in the line of duty
By Laila Nasry
The first question often asked when one takes on a new job is "How's the crowd?" Almost immediately followed by "Any nice guys?" or "Any cute chicks?" Although the primary function of 'going to office' is to do a job or to accomplish a set task, offices also promise to be a great meeting place for men and women, who invariably spend a good part of their day there, and can get to know each other. Thus, office romances though not intentional are inevitable.

Maithri (name changed) who is now happily married found her husband in her own workplace. " He was three years older to me and had joined a year before me. We had to work together at times but I used to not take any notice of him. For me he used to just blend into the furniture. But supposedly, he had spotted me on my very first day there, had loved my smile, and fell headlong for me. Thank God for glass cubicles," she says with a laugh.

"It really didn't get in the way of our work. It was a blissful time," she recalled. He was there only for a year more and then changed jobs. A year afterwards we got married."

Although there are several other Maithris out there who have found happiness with partners from the same work place, for others like Roshni mention of an office romance triggers bad memories.

"We met in office and we went out for more than three years," she says. However all the problems started when they decided to get married. "The company policy was such that one of us had to leave. I was on a contract with two more years to go and could not leave. He refused to leave because he was sure he was up for a promotion. He wanted to wait two more years before we got married and I did not. We had loads of arguments and we finally broke up." The experience has left Roshini averse to office relationships.

"Not all office romances last," says Counsellor Mrs. Anne Abayasekera. For like in any romance sometimes you do not see the person's true colours. "I often ask people, do you know what are his/her interests outside office, what sort of family he/she comes from, because especially in Sri Lanka families are important," she says. However she adds that though when she fell in love she did not consider any of those factors, she believes that, "it is important not to look at things through rose-hued glasses."

"I had an office romance that has lasted 56 years," says Mrs. Abayasekera who is of the view that when two parties are thrown together in a job, sharing the same passion for it and if there happens to be some degree of attraction then automatically sparks will fly. "We often hear of doctors marrying doctors, or lawyers marrying lawyers and it seems natural."

She is of the view that unlike in the past, there are more women who go out to work now, adding that today with there being unrestricted meeting of boys and girls and much more freedom of movement, in such times office romances become inevitable.

"He was my boss," she says speaking of her romance with her husband adding that the two of them were very discreet about their affair. "Of course we used to walk to Galle Face and Pagoda, but there was no flaunting of emotions and we didn't let it get in the way of work." So much that people actually got wind of it only subsequent to her tendering her resignation pending marriage.

"My senior boss wanted to know who I was getting married to and when I told him he was so surprised his mouth fell open."

"Office romances are not bad and there are lots of happy romances between young people," Ms Abayasekera continues. She also feels that it leads at times to mixed marriages, the coming together of different ethnic groups, which could thereby lead to greater harmony. However, she qualifies the positive factors of an office romance when it takes on the guise of an extra marital affair.

"In our office at least two men are having extra marital affairs," says Nilushi (name changed) who is working for a garment buying office." Of course the two women are not married but are well aware of the fact that they are potential marriage wreckers." The constant chatting though internal calls, long lunch breaks, sometimes makes her wonder why the management is not doing anything about it. "I don't know whether they are turning a blind eye or whether they are unaware but it is pretty obvious to most of us, especially in the lunch room. At times, we feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. However, for the office trip and the Christmas party, they bring their wives and kids. I just don't get it."

" It saddens me that today a marriage is not a deterrent to a love affair," says Ms. Abayasekera, adding that the nuptial tie is given scant respect. "Today there is greater freedom. The old behaviour code does not seem to count anymore," she says. The fact that a person is married does not keep another away. The policy seems to be 'I like her, she likes me, so what?'

"What appals me is that mostly women fall for the same old story fed by the man, that he is unhappy, his wife doesn't understand him, he's in the marriage because of the children...trying to win her sympathy." However, she says that here one cannot be too judgmental because some people are unhappy in a marriage and look outside, the easiest being the work place.

Dilini (name changed) started work just after school for a small time computer firm. "There were only six of us in office. The boss, his secretary an elderly lady, four other employees including myself." At first as a new recruit, the boss saw to it that she learnt the ropes. "I thought he was being a good boss and very fatherly."

Soon he began to approach her too frequently. He would often come and peer over her shoulder, sometimes way too close for comfort, or sit on her table and at times question her on personal things. "Like once a friend of mine had sent me this card by post with a photograph that we had taken before he left for the US enclosed. My boss happened to spot it on my desk, asked me a lot of questions, and seemed a bit displeased."

That was the first time the warning bells rang, but she did not take too much notice. "Then for Valentine's Day he sent me a rose, and I felt very awkward. When I asked him why, his argument was that I was the only girl in the office and that if he had sent a rose to his secretary her husband would have been after him."

"Later he used to offer me rides home and I would refuse, he brought me a chain for my birthday which I returned. He used to call me at odd times after office hours to check on insignificant things and tried to chat me up. I knew where all this was heading. I had had enough so I left." For eight months, she was home without a job until three months ago. She is currently very happy.

Mrs Abayasekera accepts that office culture has changed. Whilst all the elderly men whom she worked with treated her like a daughter, today things are far different. "It's an awkward situation to be in, because at times it could put your job on the line."

Mrs. Abayasekera is of the view that working overtime and on holidays, generally when the office is empty at times could help such romances to thrive. Also things like Bosses day, Secretary's day where each showers the other with gifts, flowers or chocolates, official entertaining etc. can bring parties closer together in a negative manner.
"We do not take kindly to office romances because we believe that it is a time waster because it diminishes a person's concentration and working capabilities," says the Human Resources Manager of a leading group of companies. "Our stand is that a husband and wife cannot work in the same office. Maybe this has to some extent prevented many romances because if they were to get married inevitably one party has to leave."

As for extra marital affairs in office, that is taboo. Because what sort of message would we be giving to the other employees if we are seen to condone it. "It's both a distraction and destruction."

However not all subscribe to this stringent view. "As for office affairs or even if they are extra marital, what we don't know doesn't hurt us," says a senior Manager of an advertising agency. "But if it gets in the way of work and it is obvious that low performance is due to such a fact then we may be compelled to ask one to leave. But what we stress on is let your private lives stay that way-private, just get the work done and do it well."

Says Ms. Abayasekera, "I've heard today's young men say they don't want their wives to go to work because they know what goes on at work places."

Similarly, she says girls are disillusioned with the 'stories' they hear and at times don't want to commit themselves to marriage. Adding that although rare there are situations where lady bosses have relationships with newly recruited young boys.

"It's flattering to know that your boss wants to have a closer relationship with you, but at the end of the day can you respect yourself?" Mrs. Abayasekera questions.

Having an affair with a superior in order to advance in one's profession, to get that bonus or secure that principal would mean to give up one's principles. Even if that person was not a superior by having an extra marital affair, "How can you build up a marriage on another's unhappiness?" Ms. Abaysekera questions.

"I couldn't help it," is not an excuse says Ms. Abayasekera. "You can help it. You can choose how to act. Says Mrs Abayasekera, "It's o.k. to be attracted. Nevertheless, it is what you do about it is what could lead to unwarranted circumstances. Such situations need a lot of self-control because it is easy to go overboard. Chemistry is something uncontrollable."

Therefore, what do you do in such situations? When it comes to a superior making advances it is important you do not waver in your stand in your rejecting them. "Because if not your boss will be after you because he knows you will fall."
It is difficult but balancing both a good comradeship and a working relationship is paramount, she feels. "It is very important to be professional at all times. When things get out of hand what I tell people is to give up their jobs. It is the only alternative."

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