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Found the love of your life but your parents don’t agree? Aphrodite tries to understand the parents’ point of view

“Love, love changes everything…
Days are longer, words mean more...
Yes love, love changes everything.”

Sorry to burst your bubble, but unfortunately it doesn’t! Don’t mean to sound cynical, but even in this modern day and age (just like in those famous stories we’ve heard from our grandparents’ era) love still does have many obstacles to face. And most of it comes in the form of that ever-present, ‘larger than life’ force… also known as “the parents.”

While their objections regarding your chosen one are valid most of the time, there are also times when they will also be quite irrational. Whichever way, it is a fact that they have been around way longer than we have, and so obviously know more about life than any of us do. But times have changed and so have perspectives, so it’s all about striking a balance between rationality and emotions, if you are to win this game…

For as long as we remember, the idea of star-crossed lovers has been romanticized in songs, theatre and movie portrayals, but in reality these relationships could be difficult and draining. So before taking on the role of diplomat, or even worse the role of family agitator, there are a couple of things you might need to examine. Most importantly your motivations and the reasons for your parents’ objections.

Looking at the whole situation and exploring the possibility of your parents seeing something you aren’t, or if they are acting from a place of ignorance, is vital. So we’ve taken some of the most common standpoints from which parents base their objections and looked at how you can deal with the situation in the most responsible way.

Living in a multi-ethnic, multi-cultural country, its no wonder that differences in ethnicity and religion are probably the most common factors behind parental objections regarding relationships. Remember that the fundamental factor behind every move by your parents is the limitless love they have for you, and all they have in mind is the best for you. So when you fall for someone from a ‘different’ ethnicity, religion or culture, what your parents are worried about are the challenges you might have to face in the future. This doesn’t necessarily make their objections ‘okay,’ but it does mean that they are not out to disrupt your happiness, as it may initially seem.

“When I told my parents about my relationship, their instinctive response was to oppose it, based on his ethnicity. They weren’t being racist, but their main concern was the situation of the country. They are worried about the problems we might have to face in the future,” said Eshanya (21). “I understand their worries, and I also fully understand the implications of such a relationship. But I have told my parents that nothing’s going to change, and I think they are in denial at the moment! Though my mother is still very much against our relationship, my father is actually coming around. So hopefully things will get better,” she said optimistically.

So you could start by letting your parents know that as far as you are concerned love is between two individuals, not a family, community or the rest of the world, all the while considering the problems your parents are voicing their concern about. But flaunting your relationship in their faces will not only upset them, but is also unfair to the person you are seeing. You don’t need to hide the relationship, but you should never try to force your parents to accept a person they are unwilling to accept. And all the while remember that since you are firstly your parents’ child, and now a partner in a relationship, you obviously need to be the diplomat most of the time!

We all know that reputations are vicious things – they are sometimes based on facts and other times it’s nothing more than malicious gossip. When it comes to the person you are seeing, trust your instincts, but know that rumours are not always false and reputations are more often than not formed from real incidents.

“For my parents, it was a combination of worries about reputation and assumptions on his personality based on his cultural background. I was pretty young at the time, but I didn’t totally disregard my parents’ opinion, but went more with my instincts. I didn’t want to judge him and create an opinion based on what I was hearing,” says Maya (23), adding that in order to counter the situation, she put more effort into everything she did such as studies, so that there was no room for them to attribute anything going wrong in her life, to him! “My parents gradually respected my judgment, and created their own opinion about him as well.”

The wisest thing is to ask them to trust the job they have done raising you and tell them that they should have faith in your judgement because they have done their job well. But always keep in mind that they know the ways of the world to a much greater extent than you do so if your other half’s reputation is ‘questionable,’ keep your eyes and ears open.

Your other half’s behaviour, and changes in your behaviour

Your parents may be over sensitive to the ‘bad’ behaviour of your partner, but they are rarely wrong when they make decisions based on what they see first hand. You need to always consider whether they are really out of line, or if they do have a point. Remember that your parents aren’t the enemy, but they might just be the voice of reason.

But parents are more often than not blinded by their love for you, and could sometimes have a specific ‘type’ of person that they want you to be with, driving them to dislike anything and everything your better half does. If you feel that your better half’s behaviour is a bit off the wall and he or she is being insensitive to your parents’ views and beliefs, explain things and show them that this is the only thing that’s creating issues between your love life and family life.

“My mum liked everything about him, his profession, the fact that he was educated and so on. But she didn’t like the way he spoke and his attitude most of the time. She also didn’t like the way he treated me and always told me that my personality was changing because of him,” says Searra (23). Having a cheerful, bubbly personality, when she started going out with this particular guy, she unconsciously started to change for him. “I tried to be this cool, unaffected sort of person, because I knew that was what he liked. So I guess parents are probably the best at figuring you out!”

We most often never notice (or don’t want to accept) changes happening to our personalities, and when it’s pointed out, being the typical defiant individuals that we are, promptly reject it, especially when it comes from parents. But being the two people who probably know you best, finding out if there’s any validity to what your parents are saying is what’s most important.

But of course maybe what your parents are really having trouble with is the very fact that you are growing up. You need to help them to see that your maturing is a good thing and reassure them that now it’s time for them to have faith in you!

Staying true to your heart and respecting your parents is probably the best solution to end this conflict. You may never fully understand why your parents object to your choice, and you may never gain their blessing, but if you show them that you are responsible with your life, you will definitely gain their respect. After all, at the end of the day, love is all about compromising isn’t it?