Would you rather be a …

There are the days when I hypothesise about the strangest things. Take today for instance. I'm wondering how I could combine a moral lesson with a zoology instruction. (To spice up this imaginary exchange, I'm picturing myself having a conversation with a Calvin-like kid [CLK].)

Me: "You do know what happens to very bad little boys don't you?"
CLK responds
Me: "No! They don't have a good time! They get punished!"
CLK responds
Me: "How? Well….errr…they burn in the eternal fires of hell?"
CLK responds
Me: "Of course they're a lot worse than an afternoon stuck in a traffic jam! If you don't watch it young man, your rotten attitude is going to get you sent back to the earth as an…as an…as an animal! We'll see how you like that!"
CLK's response pushes me over the edge…
Me: "So what if I'm confusing my religious doctrines? And you're dead wrong; being a tiger is not fun at all!"
As you can see, this is one battle I'm going to lose… because being a tiger must be a little fun at least. But seriously (and hypothetically) if there was a chance that you could be reborn as an animal what would it be? Cat, rat, pig, dog… forget those run of the mill choices. Consider these instead:

Coconut Crab
See yourself as a real island boy or girl? Then the coconut crab is for you! This monstrous creature is the largest 'terrestrial anthropod' around, and guess what? The dude specialises in splitting coconuts wide open. Sure, a Piña Colada is currently a little beyond him, but you're going to have to be prepared to make a few sacrifices.

You're probably going to be pursuing a lot of illegal activity as well. You see, coconut crabs have something in common with magpies and certain followers of Haute Couture – they love shiny things. Since currency is a little hard to store when your shell doesn't have pockets, coconut crabs will resort to stealing such items from houses and tents.

If you're thinking that all you need to do to escape the wrath of the law is to take to the sea, think again. Tragically, years of evolutions have ensured that coconut crabs can't swim and will actually drown in water. This means you're stuck on land… where your trusty nose will lead you right to rotting meat, bananas and of course coconuts.

Goliath Frog
Been feeling malevolent lately? I can just see you reborn as a Goliath frog, glaring balefully from your corner. The good news is that there are going to be plenty of people who'll want you for a pet; the bad news is that you're unlikely to see a cent out of the US $3,000 they'll make off selling you. Not bad at all though, especially considering that you're going to be an U-G-L-Y, baby.

When you're born, you'll be little and innocent and (like the rest of the world) will make a tasty meal for any bigger fish that can catch you. However, a sudden inexplicable growth in size will give you powers well within your imagination - essentially being able to scare the life out of everything from deer to unsuspecting humans. Being the largest frog in the whole world isn't all fun and games though and it's a pity that in a couple of years there aren't going to be too many of you around. Life's been tough, and is about to get tougher still. Not enough rainforest, huh? Well, tell me something new.

Psst, a little word of warning: If they're not hunting you to sell you, they're hunting to eat you, and so you had better put those foot long hind legs to some good use.

Vampire Bat
Tortured your siblings? Maligned innocent people at work? Worn spiky heels as you stepped over people on your way up the ladder? You might just become a bloodsucker for real when you're reborn – except you'll still prefer your food to go 'moo.'

This might have been a more fun option if there had at least been the possibility of dazzling capes and fainting damsels. However, your only consolation might be draculin – the stuff that hangs out in your saliva and keeps your victim's blood from clotting. This way you get to lap it up…sucking, after all, is so déclassé!

It is also my sad duty to inform you that flying away into the night after you've had your fill of innocent blood is also unlikely - you always tend to eat too much and as a result are simply too heavy to fly. Plus, this bloated condition (shudder) lets you in for a wealth of bladder problems. The only upside is that when you're starving, your friends are often willing to let you have some blood - mouth to mouth.

By the way, watch out for the guy with the guns. He wants you to leave his cows alone and he thinks you have rabies besides.

Male Emperor Penguin
Parenting was never this much fun! No, no, don't worry about it - you'll only have to starve for 120 days or so. Sure, it's hard, but what weight – loss programme isn't? There's none of this 18 + stuff here. If you become an emperor penguin, you had better look at finding the woman of your dreams when you're around 4 years old. If you make a mistake and married life turns out to be hell, don't worry about it too much – "until death do us part" does not apply and you get to choose again next year.

You had better pack your winter gear – you're going to be living in one of the coldest spots on the planet. Tttttemperrrraturrres can ddddropppp as low as -140 degggrrrees Fahrenheit (-60 degrees Celsius) on the Antttarrrctic ice (my teeth are chattering at the very thought).

The moment your wife lays an egg, get your feet ready – she's going to dump it on you! Don't worry, you'll be provided with a saggy, furry little piece of skin to envelope it with. Then comes the fun part: You stand there, keep it warm and starve. But like I said earlier – don't worry, it's only for 9 weeks or so. And if it doesn't work this time? Hey, there's always next year isn't there?

Deep Sea Angler Fish
Like the dark? Want a few flash lights? Well, it doesn't get darker than this, and you're in charge of the light switch. Your only problem is that you'll just have to do without the hip hop track. After all, it's hard to get to tune into some really good music when you're living at a depth of 1200 to 3600 feet.

Your black skin means you'll never have to ask Giordano for fashion tips, but face it, if it weren't for that trendy little bulb, you'd just melt into the background.

Frequent trips to the dentist are a must. And yes, we know this is hell, but with teeth like that you can't afford to risk a cavity. Your tennis ball like shape means you'll never compete in a Grand Prix but you'll get where you're going, have no fear. Oh by the way, if you want the light – you'll have to be female. The guys just aren't cool enough.

One problem with living so far away from the giddy surface is that mates are hard to come by. But when a man finds a woman down here he never lets her go! Instead the male lives as a parasite on the body of the much larger female, taking his food from her bloodstream. In the time their bodies fuse together, forming a sort of two body hermaphrodite – how romantic is that?