'Aghata' or anger is an emotion inculcated in the human mind. One may ask 'Why do we get angry?' 'What is the rationale behind it?' We give various reasons for getting angry. 'So and so hit me or scolded me' - one may say. When you really analyse it, anger arises only because of two reasons: Either for not getting what you desire or getting what you don't desire. Although we come up with various excuses, finally they all boil down to these two.
We get angry when we don't get what we want. Think of a situation when we desperately want something. It so happens that when we are about to get it, someone prevents it. We then get annoyed with that person. That is human nature. We all like to live a long life. However, if circumstances do not permit us to live long, we get angry. If we can't find someone on whom we can take out our anger what do we do next? We start crying.
We say we cry because we are unhappy. But actually it's a way of expressing rage or anger. Crying is described as a "vanchaka (fraudulent) dhamma" . It means expressing anger is an acceptable deception. Therefore, do not run away with the idea that crying is a sympathetic act. Why do people cry at funerals? For not getting what you desired. You may ask what that desire is. It's the desire for loved ones to live longer. Crying is the result of agitation due to anger, and the anger is the result of conflicting interests.
Nobody likes to be shouted at. We get irritated with people who scream at us. Since we like to hear pleasant things said about us, if and when we are criticised we get angry. We feel hostile when we don't hear what we want to hear.
The Buddha has shown five ways of controlling anger. These are explained in the 'Aghata Pativinaya Sutta'.
Develop loving kindness
'Metta bhikkhawe thasmin puggale uppajjitabba', Buddha preached. Show loving kindness to the person with whom you are angry. 'Metta' means friendship and friendliness. With whom should we be friends? Firstly, with ourselves. If we are sincerely and honestly friendly with ourselves, we will never find fault with others. Neither will we think ill of others. Why? By thinking ill of others, our minds become polluted and destructive. If we sincerely love ourselves, we should not even dream of getting damaging thoughts into our mind. Thus if we do not show love and kindness we tend to get angry.
By establishing 'metta' towards ourselves, we extend it to others as well. How do we do this? The 'Karaneeya Metta Sutta' explains this in detail. Safeguard the thoughts of loving kindness with enthusiasm, like a mother's love towards her child. We do not want to scold our son publicly when he does something wrong and we realize he is at fault, but we advise him later and make him understand his mistake. Likewise, even when someone else makes a mistake or is at fault, do not be hostile and fight with him. Try to cultivate 'metta' towards that person. Put yourself in his position and think of how you would react in a similar situation.
When someone annoys you, rather than harping on the mistake he made, think of all the good deeds he had done for you in the past. The more you recollect the good the negative effects of the incident reduce. You will feel like being friends.
Show compassion
If you get annoyed with a person, show compassion. Do not lose your temper or fight with him. 'Karuna bhikkhawe thasmin puggale upajjitabba'.
What is compassion?' Para dukke sati'…when someone is troubled and distressed, 'sadhunan'… virtuous people, 'hadaya kampanan karoti'…feel their heart shudder … this is compassion. You try ease off that feeling. How? by trying to remove its cause.
When someone is crying and weeping in agony, helping to reduce the distress is compassion. Find the cause of the distress and try to come up with a solution. When a person is angry, mentally he is in a disturbed state. Hence we need to treat him with compassion and help him to overcome it.
Develop equanimity
If we are annoyed with someone, another advice given by the Buddha is to develop 'upekka' - a neutral state or equanimity towards the person we are annoyed with. Equanimity means learning to think in a neutral way and to remain calm even in a crisis.
Most often, attachments make us sad. The stronger the attachment, the more miserable we become when something goes wrong. Disagreements also cause unhappiness. Keeping a balanced mind is a difficult task. Either the mind is attached or is in disagreement. Try to make being neutral a common experience.
Try not to remember
Buddha also advised to develop 'asati amanasikaraya'. 'Asati' means staying without remembering and 'amanasika raya' is to stay without thinking. Here's what you have to do if you get agitated due to a scolding or even thinking about it is to disregard it and not add any importance to it. By keeping unwholesome thoughts in your mind and by adding value to them, you become a slave to those thoughts.
How do you add value to a thought? By thinking about it and reflecting on it over and over again. Then the speed of the thoughts becomes rapid -'avega'. Then what happens? You lose control of the thoughts. It is the same when you drive a vehicle. When you can't control your thoughts, there is no control on your words or your actions. The rapid thoughts come out in the form of bad words or actions. Who is responsible for the speed of your thoughts? No one but yourself. You are the one who keeps on thinking about the incident.
"If you get angry due to a scolding, do not think about it. Since this unwholesome deed brought about the anger, replace it with a pleasant or a wholesome thought." This is Buddha's advice.
Think of your own kamma
"Think of your action when you get angry," says the Buddha. What does it mean? Depending on the wholesome or unwholesome deed - kusal/akusal kamma - a person does, he will face the consequences.
A person who scolds you accumulates unwholesome kamma and becomes the owner of bad kamma. If you scold him back, you will also accumulate unwholesome kamma. Bad enough an outsider scolding you, you gather bad kamma trying to reciprocate and ultimately lead a sorrowful life.
Instead, turn the incident into one that benefits you. Think. "While he collects bad kamma by scolding me, let me collect good kamma by spreading metta towards him. This is a great opportunity for me to develop metta and put into practise the mett a meditation I have developed over the years." Spread metta - collect good kamma - make your journey through samsara peaceful.
- Extracted from a translation by Ms R. Jayasekera |
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