Five great turn offs!

Okay, girls.... click off the Walkman, put down that hot new DC Talk tape for a sec and glue your eyeballs to this page. I’ve got some hot off-the-press news you just gotta read: A detailed list of all the stuff girls do on dates that make guys wish they had stayed home and resealed the driveway.

How did I unearth this valuable info? Extensive research.... which basically involved my friends, Jim and Bob, and myself sitting around one night discussing our immense dating careers. Jim, Bob and I have been combined total of 22 dates (if you count Bob taking his cousin Wanda to a Tupperware party in 1988). We feel we’re pretty much experts.

Here’s our list, in no particular order, except random.

1. Too Much Makeup

This is a pretty common turn-off. You ask a girl out, and when you pick her up she looks as if an Avon lady exploded in her face.

I once took out this girl named Janice Wagler who had false eyelashes that looked like tentacles. I didn’t kiss her good night because I was afraid her eyelashes would tangle themselves up in mine and we’d have to go the Emergency Room to get surgically detached.

So I played it safe and just shook her hand. So much for playing it safe. I wound up getting stabbed in the palm by one of her four-inch killer fingernails.

Anyway, the point is, too much makeup can definitely scare a guy off. A good rule of thumb is that if you sneeze and large chunks of your face fall onto the floor, you’re probably wearing too much.

2. Obsessed with Dieting

Few things can be more aggravating for a guy than to save up for weeks to take a girl out to dinner and have her order a small plate of celery stalks. We hate this mostly because it makes us feel like some sort of crazed food monger for eating something like a T-bone steak.

The girl usually finishes off her celery in about two minutes and spends the rest of the time staring at us as though we’re devouring Bambi for dinner. Then she pops off with remarks like “Did you know that a 10-ounce steak has more calories than 50 pounds of steamed radishes?”

One girl I dated was convinced that you could get excess calories by inhaling dust and pollen. As a result, she spent a lot of her time wearing one of those white dust masks, looking like she was ready to start belt-sanding the living room floor. She also thought you could gain weight by licking stamps. One time she even asked a postal clerk if they had any diet stamps.

So anyway, feel free to pig out a bit on dates. You’ll make us feel a lot better about ourselves.

3. Overdressing

This turn off is along the same line as wearing too much makeup. Bob had a good example for this one. He invited a girl to play mini-golf with him one night. She showed up in a fancy white dress, dangly earrings that looked like fishing lures, high heels that made her taller than most players in the NBA and - this is what really got to him - gloves!

She was wearing those skin tight kind of gloves that you need an X-Acto knife to get out of. Meanwhile, Bob felt like a total dufus in his jeans and a T-shirt that said “Bubba’s Truck Stop and Flea Market.”

4. Looking at Your Watch Every Five Minutes

Don’t do this, please! It makes us paranoid!

When we’re out with a girl who is constantly looking at her watch, we immediately start thinking: She’s looking at her watch! What’s wrong? She must want to go home! Maybe I need another carton of breath mints. Maybe she thinks I’m a dork. Maybe she’s mad at me because I hummed the entire theme song to “Beverly Hills, 90210”.... while blowing bubbles in my Coke!

You can see the damaging effects that looking at your watch can have on a guy’s emotional well-being, so try to avoid it whenever possible.

5. Chewing Gum

This one can really grate on a guys nerves, especially if you make that annoying snapping noise.

I remember cruising around in my car with a girl named Lois. I looked over at her and thought the airbag on her side had inflated. It turned out she had blown this bubble about the size of Wyoming. She looked like one of those dorky clown things that are used to inflate balloons.

She maintained the bubble for about five minutes before it exploded and sent shockwaves throughout the car.

It took me about four weeks to get all the little flecks of gum off the right side of my head, and my ears rang for two whole months! I took Lois home early that night.

So there you have it: My official list of things girls do that absolutely aggravate the male species.

I hope you find it useful and that you don’t take it too personally.I’m sure there’s at least one thing guys do on dates that drive girls bonkers. Okay... okay.... maybe two.

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