Mirror Magazine

Mirror Magazine

That elusive thing called freedom
By Ishani Ranasinghe
“Freedom to me means that my parents let me sleep late and wear what I want, where I want to wear it. If they tell me not to, I think I am mature enough not to make a scene about it,” says 17-year-old Ashanthi.

Wouldn’t parents be happy if every teenager were content with just this much ‘freedom’? Unfortunately, most teens are not as amenable as Ashanthi. An injunction such as not to wear a particular outfit, would more likely see arguments and sulks, banging of doors and tantrums.

Most teenagers, especially girls, seem to think that they do not have enough freedom. For certain reasons boys are allowed much more freedom than girls. ‘Freedom’ has always been a debatable issue in the lives of teens and parents. Most often the question of how much freedom should be granted to a teenager is linked to conventions and cultural norms.

For teens, the issue seems to be “Why don’t my parents trust me?”
“To be free means being able to go out with my friends, even with a girl, without my parents interference,” says Jehan, 17. Adds Sham, “Right now my group of friends is my life, so I want to be free to go out with them and have fun.”

Bombarded with the demands of their kids, to go for this movie, for this party or to that nightclub, how do parents react? The parents’ answer is a distant ‘maybe’ or a firm ‘no’. Because of this, both the teenager and the parents end up confused and angry. As teenagers, the desire to have absolute freedom seems important.

Contradictory views
The average teen has his or her own idea of what the world should be. This is shattered when they find that parents, who have the final say in most matters, often disagree. And all of a sudden the world seems against him/her.

“I think in those days, and even now, my parents were a bit scared that I might get into bad company,” says Maneka, 20, while her friend adds that parents may be feeling left out. “When I go out they think I don’t spend enough time with them.”

“I think parents are insecure,” says Ranil, 19. Why would he think that? He justifies this by saying that parents have been teaching their child what is right and what is not from his young days. “And still they think that this would have no effect on us.”

For most teenagers freedom translates into freedom of behaviour. Being told what to do and what not to, does not work out all the time. Teenagers love to experiment and experience. But this is exactly what parents don’t want their child to do.

Without a doubt girlfriends and boyfriends are a ‘problem’ area for teenagers and their parents. Teenagers are instructed how to behave in the presence of the opposite sex. “But we are not allowed to find out for ourselves if what we are being taught is reasonable,” says 18-year-old Naveen.

Facts of life
For many guys freedom means being allowed to go out with girls. Some parents like Mrs. A. Perera feel that if she or her husband doesn’t talk to her son about girls and the facts of life, her son will gather information from his friends. “Knowledge obtained this way may not always be accurate. If he should get into trouble we, as parents, are responsible for not teaching him right.”

But how many parents make it their responsibility to talk to their children? “Not many,” says one mother. “The general view regarding boys is, ‘Let them be, they’ll learn when they go out with friends’ or ‘Boys learn it themselves, they have ways’.” Ironically, these are the very ‘ways’ that later lead to arguments between boys and their parents. She adds that if parents haven’t taught their sons what’s right and wrong, how can they expect them to behave in a manner considered proper.

As for girls, it is a different scenario. Girls are taught to say no to almost everything concerning the opposite sex, e.g. No talking to boys. Girls are permitted to talk to boys only if they are classmates and the topics are studies, or if they are the sons of family friends.

The moment a particular boy or girl is mentioned too frequently parental hackles begin to rise. Then comes the prying - ‘Who is this girl? Where did you meet that boy?’ And it always ends with ‘No need to talk to him/her too much’.

Two sides to every story
Mrs. M. Weerasekera says, “I told my daughter to try to see it from our point of view. We behave like scared hens sometimes because we love our children and worry about them.”

Twenty-year-old Shenaz says, “If I go against something that my parents have said, I feel very guilty. Then I usually apologize to them but I cannot help but make the same mistake again. I have this overwhelming urge to break through these barriers.”
Her mother says that she gets scared when she sees newspaper reports about crimes involving teenagers. She then embarks on a ‘no’ session. Shenaz says, “She should tell me why she is saying what she is saying.”

Point to parents: explain why, don’t just lay down the law. Shiranthi says, “If our parents do not explain or talk to us about things, how are we supposed to correct our mistakes?” The problem arises when the teen is not aware that the parent is trying to bridge the gap between themselves and their child.

Most teenagers believe that parents give sermons to make them stick close to them. “If they were so scared of the world and the influence it would have on us, then they shouldn’t have let us out of the house ever” are the feelings of some teenagers.

When teenagers gather and discuss problems, they all come up with the same solution - defy your parents. What they fail to do is try to see it from their parents’ point of view.

Influencing factors
Teenagers are, on an average, the same every where, but where they live, the law and order situation that prevails, the type of people who will be around are also factors that influence parents. It also depends on whether the city one lives in has a culture conducive to the kind of freedom that an individual teenager wants. That is one of the reasons why so many want to go to universities far away from home; they see it as a place where they can be free.

On the other hand, if parents don’t fret over them, some teenagers, like 18-year-old Mekala, feel unwanted. “My parents never stop me from going any place. They hardly ever inquire about my friends. The only thing they ever ask me about is my studies. I think they are just not interested in me.”

Some parents believe that teens should learn to be independent, face their problems and sort them out themselves. Every parent tries to bridge the gap between themselves and their children in their own way. But methods differ from parent to parent and child to child.

The tendency to be passionately protective of their children combined with the lack of or insufficient communication results in the build up of stress in the parent-teen relationship. Parents and children have to listen to and understand each other.

Many parents nowadays are letting their children have more freedom than they ever had at that age. If teens themselves are open and frank about the situations they encounter, it helps parents understand that maybe their children have indeed grown up and are behaving like responsible young people.

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