Love to hate

Step families are immensely complicated things. Though cruel step mothers abound in fairy tales, real life is rarely that cut and dry, because in real life step mothers (step fathers and step children) are rarely quite so heartless. Caught up in a struggle to love and be loved, they must progress one frustrating, infuriating day at a time.

A wicked stepmother?
It doesn't help that such relationships are inevitably built on the ruins of a previous relationship. A child, whose parents were separated by death or divorce, would understandably be disinclined to join yet another 'happy family.' "My father remarried when I was nine years old. My step mother was difficult to live with. She kept finding fault with me and my brother," says Ranjini. Her father would be met at the door with complaints from both injured parties. Troubled by the dissension between his children and his new spouse, Ranjini's father arranged for the family to go for counselling, "it wasn't such a success," Ranjini admits freely. "The counsellor told me it was natural for me to resent my stepmother, because she was the easiest one to blame."
Take the same situation, only viewed from a different perspective. For a new parent, the whole thing is a nightmare. When Aranya married Lasitha, in 1995 she knew he was something of a package deal. He had two young children, and though he and his ex-wife had agreed to share custody, she was leaving the country for awhile and the children were to be left with the newly married couple. "Lasitha kept saying that they would love me, and that we'd be fine," says Aranya, explaining that she soon found out that things wouldn't be quite so easy. "He wanted me to be like a mother, but if I corrected them, or asked them to study or punished them for some wrongdoing they would complain to him and my actions were always questioned. I didn't like that…they were not treating me like their mother."

Aranya's situation is far from being unusual.
Neither here nor there, it is all too easy to perceive the step-parent as a threat and a very convenient punching bag.
Required to behave like a parent, they might not find themselves receiving even an iota of the respect and affection a child would normally show his or her biological parents.

Why are things so complicated?
"I used to think you had your family and that was it," says Tara (18), "now I figure you can have two families!" When Tara's mother remarried, she discovered that she now not only had a new stepfather, but that she now had new step-grandparents, step-aunts, uncles and cousins. However, she still misses her father very much.

The truth is that children in step families do not lose their individuality or their love for the 'other' parent. A step family does not mean creating something entirely new where all previous connections are severed. Understandably, children dislike being told that the new family must receive all their attention and loyalty. (Consider the confusion when both parents remarry and the child is expected to be a full-time member of two families.) Parents will need to look at new ways of caring for their kids, accepting that they can no longer function within the 'traditional' family structure.

Things can get even more complicated when a couple have children together. When Tara's mother and stepfather had a son three years ago, Tara ended up feeling very left out. "It was like, they didn't need me to be a family, I was useless," she says. When Tara talked about leaving to join her father, her mother wouldn't hear of it. It was a very difficult time for all of them, but to her surprise, Tara grew very attached to her baby step-brother, and he to her. "I think Suryan made a big difference for me. He's just like my brother – no difference."

Making it through:
Things don't always fall into place quite so smoothly. However, families that can talk about their problems and solve them together have a much better chance of making it through intact. Respect and trust do not spring up overnight, and only consistency of affection, discipline and a willingness to be open and truthful can create these in a relationship.

It's always a good idea to sit down together as a family or at least as a couple and draw up guidelines, rules of conduct and responsibility lists for everyone in the household. Get the help of a trained counsellor to work your way past any impasses. But start by really listening to each other, and being willing to compromise.

Patience is your greatest asset in this process. Let go of any expectation that love will magically occur between a child and a stepparent or that you will agree on everything because you are now family. If you think about it, you will realise that establishing relationships take time, but even so it is hard to accept that someone we desperately want to have a relationship with is not willing to have a relationship with us. It is natural to feel hurt, angry and perhaps even a little resentful in such a situation. However, it would be easier to adjust to these new relationships if your expectations are minimal and therefore, more realistic.

Take time to do fun things together and as a family. Create your own new traditions, and special events. It helps for both the stepparent and the child to understand that there is no question of replacing the child's parent. If you can, agree to be friends. Understanding that other person as insecure and vulnerable may help you be kinder. For the step parent, he or she is the outsider, going through a trial by fire as he or she struggles to gain acceptance within their new family. For the child, the new stepparent seems to taking up more than his or her fair share of attention. Loyalty to the absent parent, may also leave the child torn in two.

In the ends, there are very few clear solutions, but there is always hope. As the incidence of divorce rises, so does the number of stepfamilies…and each one represents a second chance, an opportunity to get it right this time.