“It is a truth but too well known, that rashness attends youth as prudence does old age” - Cicero
Their deaths make headlines. When in moments of extreme stress, young people have taken their lives, the tragedy is that there was no one who understood their innermost feelings of desperation.
Teenage deaths have become a social malaise. As one mother lamented, “We have failed as a society. What has gone wrong?” Society struggles to understand the reasons and now, more than ever, there is a need to reflect on many of the current attitudes that could be contributing to teenage pressures.
Teenagers are juveniles, sub-adults, perched between childhood and adulthood. All of them are trying to come to terms with puberty, trying to understand their changing bodies. They need the patience and understanding of the adults around them.
Leading educationists agree that a major factor affecting children today is the pressure placed on them to perform academically. Children studying for public exams need to have an outlet for their pent-up feelings of frustration, stress and other emotions like fear and anxiety. Sports would be an outlet if it is done for relaxation. Hobbies, music, being outdoors with nature are all stress relievers. But most often many of these activities are stopped by parents and sometimes by the children themselves close to exams so that more time can be utilized for study. This is counter-productive. A different perspective not only refreshes the mind, it also allows fresh energy to study.
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Sister Canice Fernando, a counselling psychologist and former principal of Holy Family Convent Bambalapitiya believes parental attitudes have to change. “Parents have to get out of this rat race of exerting so much pressure on children for the Year Five scholarship exams, the O’ Level and the A’Level exams. It seems the parent’s self-worth depends on the achievements of the children.”
“A lot of Sri Lankan parents want their children to keep achieving all the time, whether it is academically or in sports. When they don’t achieve, they become valueless. Most parents want their child to top the list. Thus children are pressed to the utmost,” she says.
Manel Jayatunga, a senior counsellor of the “Senasuma Counseling Centre concurs. “Parents bring severe pressure on the children of today to excel academically. They compare and contrast, which is the worst demoralizing thing for a child. No two children think, study or assimilate knowledge in the same manner. Each one is unique in his/her own way. Their capacities too differ. There is a certain limit beyond which they cannot go and parents have to understand their limitations and capabilities. No two siblings are the same,” she adds.
She cites the case of an undergrad who was brought to her for counselling after attempting suicide. He had told her that he had tried his best, but was having difficulty in concentrating. His parents had expected much from him, and unable to match up to their expectations he had attempted suicide. Later, after he came out of his depressed state, he passed his exams well. Today he is a successful engineer.
The lack of parental understanding and support is also cited. The Principal of a leading girls’ school in Colombo was of the view that some parents have a bad rapport with their children. “All they want is a set of good marks. Thus there is tremendous pressure being created. Every child must be accepted whether he or she gets 100 marks or 20 marks. The attitude should be ‘you are my child and you are very precious to me’,” she stressed.
“All children want to be loved by their parents and they feel rejected if the parents are harsh with them. The kind of love demonstrated by some parents is performance-oriented. Not every child is brilliant. Children should be able to come home and relate anything to their parents without fear. The home should have an atmosphere of love. Children need to be able to talk to their parents without feeling that the parents are judging them.”
Principal of the Asian International School Mrs. Goolbai Gunasekera told the Sunday Times that there were three main factors that precipitated teenage suicides in Sri Lanka- examination pressure, parental severity and romance. Counsellors add that a bad relationship between the two parents can also precipitate feelings of depression and suicidal tendencies in a child. As much as food, clothing and shelter, a child needs an emotionally stable home environment.
A Befriender from Sumithrayo who wished to remain anonymous stressed the importance of talking to children at their level. Children should have many friends and should interact with children of the opposite sex, she advised.
Those who commit suicide may be depressed, grappling with a problem and have no one to talk to. While some schools have counsellors, how effective is their approach? “In certain schools, the counsellors are totally lacking in integrity. The problems the children discuss become known to the entire staff. Thus children do not go for counselling, even though they may have a burning desire to unburden themselves,” the Befriender said.
Stressing that schools have a major role to play, Sr. Canice says “in schools, we have to teach children to handle their emotions and bring about a balance in their lives. It is essential to teach life-coping skills such as handling emotions, solving of problems, sensitivity to others and relationship skills.”
“Schools should consider children as human beings with feelings who need a lot of attention. Handle them as human beings and not just for academic excellence,” she advises.
“There must be an attitude in schools where a child can run to a teacher when he is battling with a problem. He is already battling with his own body and cannot cope with the changes, with society and with peer pressure,” says Chairman of Gateway Group of Companies (Gateway College and founder Principal of D. S. Senanayake Vidyalaya) Mr. Ralph Alles.
Spending time with children, especially teenagers, trying to understand them and treating them with love is vital, is the common message from both educationists and counsellors. “Listening to them is very important, more than giving them lectures. By listening to them, you know exactly how they feel. Just giving food and clothes is not parenting. They need a lot of care and concern from their parents,” Mr. Alles says.
“In many homes, the teenagers are left to themselves. When I was a child our family did things together. We ate together, talked together. My contention is that “that crucial time” when they have suicidal feelings –can be avoided, if someone were there to help them air their feelings.
At the end of the day, parents and teachers of today have a huge responsibility. They have to command respect, without demanding it by force or expecting conformity at any cost. Not with the dictatorial authority of yesteryear, but with tact, patience and most importantly giving of their time, so that they are in tune with the feelings and needs of youngsters.
Counselling for troubled teens
Sanasuma Counselling Centre
No. 22, Melford Crescent,
Dehiwela.
(Counselling is done at a nominal fee)
Free of charge befriending at
“Sumithrayo”
No. 60 B Horton Place
Colombo 7.
Telephone - 2692909 / 2683555
(Branches island-wide) |
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