“Man for the field and woman for the hearth.
Man for the sword and for the needle she.
Man with the head and woman with the heart.
Man to command and woman to obey.”
Lord Tennyson’s poem, regarded as the norm in the 19th Century, would clearly shock a modern audience.
Today, this ideology of ‘separate spheres’ has been shattered, and “the woman wants to go out and hunt too”. But in spite of the promised emancipation, the modern woman finds herself entangled between her roles of traditional home-maker and corporate professional, juggling the worlds of swords and needles.
This conflict is most evident in the evolving nature of the concept of marriage, a delicate relationship, a pendulum swinging between a power struggle and an equal partnership. How has and should the concept of marriage adapt in the face of this revolution in gender roles?
This was the question raised at Marriage- An Equal Partnership, an interactive forum discussion organised by Zonta Club II of Colombo to mark the Zonta International Day, held on November 9 at the Galle Face Hotel, Colombo. Focusing on the much-debated and controversial topic of marriage and gender equality, an eminent panel of speakers from diverse backgrounds sought to analyse the evolutionary concept of marriage from a modern perspective.
The debate was inspired by an article titled Asia’s Lonely Hearts published in the Economist on August 20, 2011, warning of the changes in marriage patterns across the transforming socio-economic landscapes of Asia. More and more Asian women, especially in the more developed countries like Japan, Taiwan, South Korea and Hong Kong, are rejecting marriage, the article said, leading to lower birth rates and an aging population, a trend that could have drastic implications on the social structures and the economic balance of these emerging powers of Asia.
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| Linda Speldewinde |
Lilamani Benson |
In the face of this impeding challenge to traditional family values and relationships, the concept of marriage requires restructuring. Employment and economic independence has given women the will to escape the clutches of traditional marriage. “Today’s woman wants it all,” said Lilamani Benson, the CEO of Lowe LDB who moderated the forum discussion, setting the tone for the evening.
Drawing on his personal experience, writer and TV talk show host Ashok Ferrey looked at the differences between the concept of marriage in the West and the East. What happens in Sri Lanka is that your parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles set a benchmark and married couples try to work towards that, he said. In lighter vein he spoke of SMS - Sri Lankan Mother’s Syndrome.
In spite of the more fulfilling lives led by women in the West, it is not true that they have won equality. Different “relationship ethics” in Western countries shifts the dynamics of the marriage, and “partnership becomes a war”. Eventually “what gets thrown out is what you have in common- your house, your children.” The absence of close family ties in the West shift the benchmark for ideal marriages to “silly romantic movies and women’s magazines,” Ferrey said.
“If you have married your spouse for the wrong reasons, disaster is inevitable... When the novelty wears off and the carnival is over... the real person comes out,” pointed out Gamini Saparamadu, Chairman of Kent Holdings.
People cannot change but they can discipline themselves, he said, emphasising the importance of respecting and listening to the views of others. A marriage is a “give and take” relationship, he added. “Get to know the person first,” he advised, warning that “you have absolutely no right to ruin someone’s life.”
Sharing her view and personal experiences on the topic, Linda Speldewinde, Founder CEO of the Academy of Design, said that in the current context of the corporate world, having a successful career and an enriching family life is “very challenging”. Refuting the claim that a “working woman doesn’t need a guy”, she explained how her husband has supported and encouraged her in her work and at home. Marriage is a partnership that gives you the courage to save the world, she said.
Professor Sharya Scharenguivel of the Faculty of Law at the Colombo University emphasised the importance of a legal foundation to strengthen and empower married women. “The law is on the man’s side,” she said. The current laws in Sri Lanka with its roots in 17th and 18th century Roman Dutch law and British Victorian law “do not have equality as the focal point.” Recognising marriage as an evolutionary concept and responding and adapting the laws accordingly is vital. “What was cannot perhaps live up to the expectations of those who enter marriage today.” The law must “absorb into it the ‘new marriage’,” she said.
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| Dilshara Jayamanne |
Gamini Saparamadu.
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Speaking of Article 16 (Marriage and Family Life) of the UN Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination against Women (CEDAW), that Sri Lanka has ratified, she pointed out that the necessary steps have not been taken to ensure a woman’s equality at home. Even though the law has protected women in the workplace there is a reluctance to “legislate in the private sphere.” Bringing in the required laws is Sri Lanka’s responsibility to her citizens and to her women, she stressed.
Explaining how law affects the nature of the relationship of a marriage, Prof Scharenguivel explained that the legal foundation forms an “aspiration... a broad framework. The law becomes the benchmark.”
Economist Dr. Harsha De Silva was not present at the Forum but his speech titled The Changing Economics of Marriage was read out. Introducing the ideas of Nobel economics laureate Gary Becker, he touched on the nature of the “marriage market”, elaborating on the different reasons, including social, legal, emotional, spiritual, sexual and economical, why people enter wedlock.
Citing statistics and research carried out mainly in the US, his speech explained how the gender-wise earning gap has narrowed over the last four decades. Marriage, which enhanced a woman’s economic power in the past, is seen differently today, and the options of living together, divorce, marrying later and not marrying at all have emerged.
Even though empirical data is not available for Sri Lankan trends in marriage and the economic power of individuals, Dr. de Silva believes that “Sri Lanka will follow the trend of America.” Gender roles in Sri Lanka are changing with the employment and entrepreneurship of women and “rise of the Sri Lankan wife”. With more than 80% of the students who entered the Law Faculty for 2009-2010 being female, he believes that change is inevitable.
Dilshara Jayamanne, Executive Creative Director at Lowe LDB, combined his creativity and sense of humour to analyse his personal experience of marriage. The audience was particularly drawn to his interesting analogy of making a pol sambol, with which he exemplified the different roles played by the two partners in a marriage.
Drawing on the ancient Chinese philosophy of Yin and Yang, “symbolising complementary opposites that interact within a greater whole,” he explained the importance of balance. “Equality suggests division [whereas] balance suggests unity,” he said. He emphasised the need for determining “marital value, a measure to measure the immeasurable” contribution made by partners in a marriage.
His views of balance as opposed to equality drew interesting ideas from the audience as well as the panel. Commenting on Jayamanne’s view, Prof Scharenguivel explained that the law seeks to attach equal value to the contribution of each partner to a marriage. “Balance is a manifestation of equality,” she said. |
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