In this, the second part of our series on parenting, parenting coach Dr. Maya Cockeram takes on the challenges of fatherhood. Maya conducts sessions at Mums in Colombo (www.facebook.com/mumsincolombo) and you can log onto their Facebook page to ask her any questions, which she promises to answer. Also, fathers who would like to know more should consider signing up for the parenting workshop geared exclusively to them.
Stay at home mothers often become their children’s primary caregivers. Does this let fathers off the hook?
Absolutely not! Although the mother is usually the child's primary caregiver, the father’s role is immensely important in raising well-adjusted, happy and successful children. Children need the love, support, and involvement of both their parents because they bring different but complementary strengths and roles. In fact, research shows that children whose fathers are involved in their everyday lives have better social development, self-esteem and chances of academic success.
How can a father feel engaged, especially when a child is very young and relies predominantly on the mother?
The only way a father can feel engaged is to be engaged! Involvement with their baby starts from conception. Going with his wife to visit the obstetrician, hearing the baby’s heart beat, feeling the movements in the womb all help him to bond with his baby. Even after birth, a time when many fathers feel left out, it is essential that they remain involved by changing nappies, bathing, holding, singing to and rocking their baby. The only thing a dad cannot do is breastfeed the baby! Actively taking part in these mundane aspects of caring for a child actually have an amazingly positive effect on the closeness of the their relationship.
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In your workshops, what are the most common concerns mothers express about their partners?
The most common concern is the lack of time that many fathers give to their children. It is saddening to hear that some dads won’t turn off their mobile phone and give their undivided attention to their kids, even for just 15 minutes! A holiday weekend from time to time is no replacement for the daily, uninterrupted interaction that children need with their fathers.
There is a maxim, “I've never seen a tombstone that read, ‘I wish I'd spent more time at work’.” The message is that, as we grow older, most of us wish we had spent more time with our families and less time trying to get ahead at work.
Secondly, mums tell me that some fathers seem to confuse providing for children’s physical needs with being involved in their children's lives. While it's true that creating the means for food, clothing, and a good education is a way fathers can contribute to their children’s lives, it is often not the only way they can show that they care.
Another concern is when fathers who have had very little involvement during pre-school years, suddenly take charge when it comes to schooling and discipline. Without a strong relationship built through regular, positive involvement during the early years, fathers risk being viewed as nothing more than the policemen of the family.
How can parents best support each other? How important is the relationship between husband and wife?
One of the most important influences a father can have on his child is indirect – fathers influence their children in large part through the quality of their relationship with the mother of their children.
A father who has a good relationship with the mother of their children is more likely to be involved and to spend time with their children and to have children who are psychologically and emotionally healthier. Similarly, a mother who feels affirmed by her children's father and who enjoys the benefits of a happy relationship is more likely to be a better mother. Indeed, the quality of the relationship affects the parenting behaviour of both parents.
They are more responsive, affectionate, and confident with their infants; more self-controlled in dealing with defiant toddlers; and better confidants for teenagers seeking advice and emotional support.
Fathers who treat their wives with kindness, tenderness, respect, honour, and love create a more secure, more comfortable, and more emotionally strengthening environment for their children.
What are some of the traits of a successful father?
There are many, many traits that I could list here, however the one 'foundational trait’ upon which all others are built is unconditional love for your child. Josh McDowell in ‘The Father Connection’ states this better than I can, “I want my kids to know that I accept and love them. I want them to know that I loved them before they could return my love. I want them to know that I loved them when their primary interaction with me involved bottles, burps and dirty nappies. I want them to know my love for them is unconditional, not based on anything they do, but on who they are. I also want my children to know that my love for them is foremost. My job is not more important than they are. My hobby is not more important than they are. My friends are not more important than they are. My status in the community is not more important than they are.
I want to communicate to my children that I love them forever. I want them to know that I accept them and love them no matter what. They don’t have to earn my love. They cannot escape my love. That’s the kind of father I want to be.”If you are a father, be inspired by Josh McDowell. If you are a mother, be jealous of his wife! |
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