Loneliness and Anxiety

By Bimali Pandithakoralage, Counselling Psychologist & Attorney-at-law

Social Anxiety or Social Phobia is excessive anxiety of being scrutinized at social situations. This is a persistent, intense anxiety of being negatively evaluated by others at any social situation including speaking, eating, drinking or performing.Intense anxiety leads you to avoid or endure the situation with great distress. It can preventyou from going to school, work and making friends.

There are several similarities between social anxiety and loneliness that warrants a closer look at loneliness. This can deepen our understanding and increase the efficacy of social anxiety treatment and interventions. In a time of social distancing and physical isolation understanding loneliness is crucial too.

Loneliness is commonly described as not having our need for meaningful social relationships met. Loneliness is not synonymous with being alone but rather feeling alone and isolated. You can feel lonely in a group or relationship if you don’t feel understood or cared for as loneliness lies in the quality of relationships and not the number of connections

Solitude should not be mistaken for loneliness. Solitude is restorative: time spent to create, relax and reflect is enjoyable and gives energy. The difference between loneliness and solitude lies in the reason behind doing things alone. It is loneliness when the reason is avoiding others.

Loneliness is about as deadly as smoking and more dangerous than obesity. Loneliness is a risk factor not only for mental health concerns like depression and decreased memory but also for heart disease, type 2 diabetes, Alzheimer’s disease, weakened immunity, sleeplessness and stress.

Technology has made it possible to communicate with anyone in the world in an instant and around the clock. Yet research says that loneliness is on the rise and it is our young adults who face it the most.

At the heart of loneliness is the question ‘Does anyone really care about me?’. Self is not enough and we long for meaningful connections outside our self. Yet the negative self-protective lens through which you view the world makes you respond more quickly with distrust and hostility and so struggle to form meaningful connections.

You feel you have more to lose in relationships, fear failure more and avoid potential rejection to protect yourself.You are more cautious of forming relationships and like anxious individuals tend to be hypervigilant and sensitive about facial cues of others. You withdraw from the very people who could alleviate your loneliness.

Youcan overcome this negative bias by taking small steps to seek out meaningful connections and increase youremotional strength and resilience. First, check for areas of self-improvement. Do you use digital connections as a destination rather than a tool to form meaningful relationships? Are youconstantly distracted checking updates or googling what the other person is saying ? Have you tried to speak with someone who is distracted? It is frustrating and you feel devalued as it seems you are not worth their attention.

Next extend yourself beyond your comfort zone in small steps. You can begin by volunteering in an area you enjoy or join a group that shares similar values and interests with you. Exposing yourself to the feared situation will help you build confidence that you can handle rejection. The answer to loneliness goes beyond social support and being around other people. Aim to make and maintain three or four close meaningful friendships.

Remember that not everyone has to like you. People have their own problems and their behavior or facial expressions could be a reflection of their personal struggles so try not to take this personally. Focus on the positive and expect the best in and from others.